Dear Otus,
Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of 👉 humorous fabrication 👈 appears every Saturday.
Am I crazy? Last week I swear I picked up my paper and got a whiff of maple syrup. What's going on?
-- Charles Kinbote,
Hot Springs Village
Dear Charles,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you. And I assume you have asked two questions.
First of all, not really knowing you, I am not qualified to answer your first question. You very well may be mentally unstable; however, since you have the cognitive ability to even ask the question, I'm going to guess that you are not mentally impaired in any fashion.
Secondly, yes, you were one of those who received an early test prototype edition of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette -- an innovation that will revolutionize the newspaper industry which, as you might know, could use a little bolstering these days.
It's an ingenious move sure to place this newspaper on the cutting edge of the 21st century.
Ever since Johannes Gutenberg rolled the first page off his first printing press in 1439 and pulled away inky black fingers, newspaper men the world over have sought the perfect smudgeless ink.
Thanks to intrepid researchers at the Don J. Tyson School of Legumeology at the Sam M. Walton College of Business at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville, smudge-free scented newsprint has been achieved. It's mind-boggling.
Without boring you with all the arcane chemical details, let me assure you that the new newspaper ink is the product of years of experimentation. It is nontoxic, environmentally safe, contributes to molecular breakdown in landfills and makes a tasty aspic when the comics section is boiled down in a pressure cooker.
The new ink, made from a byproduct of soybean oil, is water-soluble and is sure to be a boon to farmers in the Arkansas Delta desperate to find new markets for their beans.
The Democrat-Gazette has already held two dozen focus groups in an effort to determine which scent will be most pleasing to readers. It has been narrowed to four.
As you already know, the scent is not overpowering. It is a subtle fragrance designed to blend with any home decor. It should be noted that great care has been taken to find just the right degree of aromatic pungency to remain subliminal, yet distinctive enough to produce the desired results.
Subscribers should finish their morning papers feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Just the barest hint of an aroma will cling to the fingers to remind you of your pleasant reading experience.
Some readers, such as yourself, have already been receiving scented newspapers on a trial basis. A few have noticed and written to compliment us on our product. However, no final decision has been made as to the basic scent to be used. Management has asked me to use my column, the most popular in the paper, to help them make up their minds.
Approximately 50 percent of today's editions have the scented inks on this page (2E) and the page opposite (3E). If your newspaper is one of them, please use the edge of a coin to "scratch 'n' sniff" the four column logos to sample the scents.
The four scents are:
• My logo: Almond Breeze, with a hint of honey vanilla. It has a rich and creamy aroma designed to remind you of your childhood.
• Billy Graham, On Christianity: Blueberry Muffin, with a subtle hint of lemon and nutmeg.
• Holiday Mathis, Horoscopes by Holiday: Chocolate Chip Cookies, with just a touch of roasted coconut.
• Ray Magliozzi, Car Talk: Pecan Praline, with a dash of maple syrup. This one was the favorite of a number of focus groups who said it reminded them of their Meemaw.
Scratch and sniff the logos and let us know which produces the most positive reaction. Send your responses to Otus' Scratch 'n' Sniff, P.O. Box 2221, Little Rock, Ark. 72203.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you we're always open to suggestions from the public.
Disclaimer
Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of
Z humorous fabrication X
appears every Saturday. Email:
mstorey@arkansasonline.com
HomeStyle on 01/28/2017