Q My husband and his ex share the kids equally. She will not cooperate and tries to upset our family at every turn. I get along great with the kids, and for the past three years I have taken them out to buy Father's Day presents for their dad. This year, without asking me, his ex bought my husband a present from the kids -- a Giants baseball hat -- he's a Giants' fan. He loved it, but I forbid him to wear it because I know who really bought it. It wasn't the kids. Am I being petty? What's good ex-etiquette?
A Yes, you're being petty, and if you have to "forbid" your husband to do anything, you have a bigger problem than his children's mother buying him a present for Father's Day.
Know this: You married a man with kids and an ex-wife. If she doesn't cooperate, being petty and vindictive will do little to defuse the conflicts you'll face. Plus, the kids are watching. Your actions are not teaching them to look for solutions when facing conflict. Your actions are teaching them to perpetuate conflict. That breaks all 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents, starting with ex-etiquette rule No. 1, "Put the children first." You are not.
The responsibility of buying presents "from the kids" usually falls to the biological parent unless the responsibility is relinquished to someone else, which it sounds as if it was, since you have been doing it for the last three years. The problem seems to be that precedent was set, and when the kids' mom changed her mind without consulting anyone, it upset your tradition and diminished your importance. It's understandable that you're upset. It still doesn't let you off the hook. Ex-etiquette rule No. 4, "Bioparents make the rules; bonus parents uphold them." Granted, mom made changes without consulting anyone, and that was bad ex-etiquette, as well.
A better way to approach this would have been for the parent figures to talk to each other. Yes, you and mom. Normally, I'd say mom and dad, but the present was a surprise for dad, and you're in the mix now. Since you live with the kids, your behavior influences them. Therefore, you and mom should be talking to each other. You don't have to go shopping together, but you should be able to simply touch base in the best interest of the kids in both your care.
Mom could have said something like, "You know the kids' dad and I got along so poorly after our break-up that I couldn't even take them out to buy him a present. Thank goodness, things have improved, and I'm grateful you filled in over the last few years, but this year I'd like to help the kids buy a little something for their dad for Father's Day."
Your natural inclination might be, "No way, lady. That's what we do," but don't say it. Ex-etiquette rule No. 5 is, "Don't be spiteful." Every family needs a hero, especially bonus families. In your family, it can be you.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 06/21/2017