Leave it to Facebook to remind you that you're turning yet another year older.
And leave it to Facebook to attempt to monetize it at the same time.
I removed my birth date from my Facebook profile a while back for several reasons:
Birthday greetings (often a quick, abbreviated "HBD") from people I didn't know when I friended them and still don't know have become so rote over the years. They're basically saying: "I'm really glad you were born even if I didn't know you were born."
I'm never going to remember to acknowledge the birthday of all 4,236 "friends," so no one should feel obligated to acknowledge mine.
I don't trust my so-called "friends" with my date of birth. Why don't I just give everyone all my computer passwords, my Social Security number, PINs, my gate code, my alarm code and mother's maiden name, too?
I'm curious to see which friends remember the date -- or at least the week, or at least the season -- without the social media reminder.
I stopped having birthdays at age 31 ... a, um, whole two years ago. Yeah.
But unfortunately, Facebook still remembers my birthday and has been bugging me about it.
Each time I log in, I get this notification: "It's almost your birthday! Donate your special day to support a cause you care about!"
Facebook is wanting me to select from some 750,000 charitable organizations -- from the Human Society and the Wounded Warrior Project to the American Cancer Society -- set a goal amount, and then it will prompt friends to make donations. Instead of giving me birthday gifts, they can give the money to charity. It's sort of noble, I suppose. It's always honorable to collect money for a cause and, besides, participants can write off the money as a tax deduction. (But wait, shouldn't I get the tax deduction because it's my birthday?)
Still, this raises some questions. Isn't it a bit manipulative to ask friends -- who are constantly fielding social media pleas for random medical, burial and family expenses -- to again reach deeper into their pockets because it's my birthday?
Should I be petitioning 4,236 people -- most of whom I don't legitimately know -- for money? To take the place of a birthday gift they'd never actually buy me ... even if it's for charity?
And, won't I be expected to donate to all my friends' birthday causes? If I donated $5 to each friend's charity, let's see, that would be ... $21,180! Even if I only donated $1 per friend, do I have an extra $4,236 to give each year ... and then again the next year and again the next year?
Besides, how embarrassing would it be if I started a $500 buy-the-fuzzy-baby-animals-sequined-sweaters fundraiser and then only earned $31 (hey, that's the same number as my age two years ago -- um, yeah!). I'd feel like I had no friends, and that I failed the entire fashion-forward cubs, calves and kittens population, and on my birthday, too.
After all, how much of this money from these Facebook birthday fundraisers even goes to the designated charity anyway?
Not all of it.
According to a Facebook FAQ about fundraisers: "While 95 percent of your proceeds go directly to your charity, any Nonprofit using Facebook's fundraising tools will pay an operational fee of 5 percent. 2 percent covers the costs of nonprofit vetting, fraud protection and payment support. 3 percent covers payment processing." And transactions to certain "Network for Good" nonprofits require other fees. For them, "Facebook deducts 3.5 percent to cover credit card processing, payment support and fraud protection. Network for Good deducts an additional 2.25 percent to cover charity vetting and support, donation disbursement and operations."
So let me get this right: For my birthday -- which I don't trust strangers knowing -- Facebook thinks I should be asking for donations to charities from people I don't know and a chunk of the money would be going I don't know where?
Supposedly Facebook is not making money on these donations, although I doubt it's losing money. Donations sent directly to organizations without Facebook's help would certainly mean more money for them, of course it would require filling out checks, finding envelopes and using stamps.
A friend reminded me these donation solicitations are better than those other messages Facebook sends on birthdays. She said, "I always get 'Are you having a party? Invite your friends.' Uh. I didn't have plans. Thanks for reminding me I suck."
Another friend seconded, "Me too!!! I thought, 'Thanks a lot, FB.'"
Ah yes, when it's not reminding us we're old, stingy/poor Facebook reminds us that we're losers.
Maybe I will do a birthday fundraiser after all. For the therapy I need from Facebook.
HBD for the rest of the year and donate an email to:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 06/25/2017