Dear Raven Gates,
Aww, Raven. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you -- beautiful 25-year-old brunette Jonesboro boutique owner who starred on The Bachelor.
You, our favorite Hoxie native, made it to Nick Viall's final two, but in the end, he chose Vanessa. Not that we think 36-year-old Wisconsin native Viall -- a software salesman before he became a TV serial dater -- will stay with the 29-year-old Canadian special education teacher. Give them a few weeks, and they'll give the old Bachelor excuse that the long distance came between them.
Now, Raven, is when we say all those things we say to a girl who has been dumped. But in your case we really mean it. We find Viall -- a franchise frequenter who has been a loser at love on The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise -- particularly vile.
It's totally his loss.
You were too good for him.
Man's rejection is God's protection (not that we can imagine God devoting two hours -- sometimes three! -- of His Monday nights to The Bachelor).
You were funny, charming and candid. Maybe you were too candid. I'm not sure we needed to know that your previous boyfriend didn't fulfill you in every way but that Nick did (you after the Fantasy Suite date: "Nick is really good at what he does, so I'm pretty satisfied today." Blush!). But, that's just who you are. To borrow a different phrase from a different show owned by the same media conglomeration: That's so Raven!
Updated gallery: Raven Gates on 'The Bachelor'
Click here for larger versions
Now we need to decide what your next move will be. As we see it you have several options:
• Go for drinks with my boyfriend's parents and me
Back when you were living in Little Rock dating that cheater, you went out one evening with the nice couple next door. They just happen to be my boyfriend's parents (is Arkansas small or what?) and they send their regards. I never got to meet you. But I'm coming this time!
• The Bachelorette
Often a first runner-up on The Bachelor becomes star of next season's Bachelorette. Unfortunately, Rachel Lindsay, the 31-year-old Dallas lawyer who will be the franchise's first black lead, already got the gig. Still, if you quickly become her BFF, you might be able to get some camera time, I mean camaraderie, advising her in her new role.
• Bachelor in Paradise
You told host Chris Harrison you will appear on the franchise's summer show Bachelor in Paradise. We think you can do a lot better than to go on the show we call "Loser Island," but sometimes contestants do find love! Look at Jade and Tanner, who got married and are now expecting a child -- this after embarrassing themselves on another relationship show, Marriage Boot Camp. At the very least, the experience will let you rock some of your boutique's bikinis on TV and sell some swimsuits.
• Dancing With the Stars
We've seen standout characters from The Bachelor head straight for ABC's other Monday night competition show. Unfortunately, the only one from this season chosen to be doing the samba with the likes of Mr. T and Charo is .... Viall?! Again?! ABC, haven't we endured enough of him? Can we hire someone to break his legs? Sorry, DWTS competitor Nancy Kerrigan. We didn't mean to bring up bad memories.
• Get back with that cheater dude
I'm not going to name the cheater dude -- pardon, Dr. Cheater Dude -- though I did have dinner with him at said boyfriend's parents' home once before he relocated to a different part of the state. I feel a certain obligation to protect his privacy, even though he has outed himself to tabloid publications to contradict your claims about him. Raven, maybe you could rekindle your romance. Then again, maybe not after you caught him in bed with another woman, attacked him with your high-heeled shoe and called him a lousy lover on national TV. (If he was that bad, wouldn't you have been glad to see him with someone else? "No, girl, I insist you keep him. He's all yours!") As for this relationship, take a cue from someone else with your name: "Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore!'"
• Spend your money
After being sequestered all that time in Bachelor-land, you are probably due for a shopping spree! It's time to go out and splurge on yourself. You surely pocketed a nice stash for being on the show and lasting so long, right? Not necessarily. Various online sources report that contestants do not make money. Rather, many go into debt -- quitting jobs and spending money on clothes -- to be on the show.
Dang, Raven. So after this experience, you were left with no final rose, no man and no money?
It brings us back to this ...
• Go for drinks with my boyfriend's parents and me
And hey, I'll buy.
Love,
Jennifer
Smell the roses and mail:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 03/19/2017