Q My wife died six years ago when my children were very young. I raised them so far by myself, and I've been very lonely. I have been dating a beautiful woman for the last six months who is considerably younger than I. My kids love her and she has consented to marry me -- but she just told me she wants my kids to go away to school. She says that they are a reminder of my wife and she wants to start fresh and have children of our own. Is this a normal request? What's good ex-etiquette?
A "Normal" is subjective, but I can tell what's common -- and that's not. I'm surprised she's being that honest with you at this juncture. Someone with that sort of agenda rarely says something prior to the marriage. It's a huge red flag.
Let me say that I understand that living alone and being the sole caretaker to your children is tough, especially if you have felt you must put on a happy face to help your children cope. You may not have sufficiently grieved on your own -- and then this wonderful diversion finally comes along -- a beautiful younger woman whose presence lifts your spirits and makes life seem worthwhile again.
But -- and this is important -- when someone is so self-centered that she can't accept you have a past and want to eliminate it to the point that she asks you to send your kids away, that's a deal breaker. Once you have kids, they must be your main priority. (Ex-etiquette rule No. 1 is "Put your children first.") Particularly in your case -- you are their primary source of emotional and psychological stability. It doesn't take a Ph.D. to know that sending your children away and having another batch of kids with someone else will cause deep psychological scars. You just can't do it.
There's a fine art to combining families, and an important prerequisite for success is that both parents are invested in forming a partnership that will enable them to create a working family. Each accepts the other and recognizes each family member's individuality and unique contribution to forming that family. Your fiancee has told you firsthand that she is not interested in creating that partnership. She wants you to get rid of your family, ignore your past and start fresh with her. That's impossible, and bad ex-etiquette is an understatement.
Finally, I see one more red flag -- and it's that your children like her. She obviously has not been honest with them about her feelings, and the ability to cover up one's feelings with an ulterior motive this great is concerning. If she is approaching something this important in this manner, her dishonesty will not stop there. (Ex-etiquette rule No. 8 is "Be honest and straightforward.")
I rarely come right out and tell people to move on, but this is one of those times that I can't recommend anything else. You have to put your children first. That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 05/10/2017