Dear Otus,
I can't help myself. I'm addicted to Dr. Phil because the show makes me feel better. I know that no matter how bad my own life seems, it's not as bad as those yahoos who come on his show and humiliate themselves in public for our entertainment. It takes a special sort of narcissistic masochist to indulge in that stuff.
Sometimes I wonder about those people. I mean they vote and reproduce. I wonder about a lot of things. I wonder what you wonder about.
-- Debbie Higgins,
Cherokee Village
Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of 👉 humorous fabrication 👈 appears every Saturday.
Dear Debbie,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and a further pleasure to finally be able to unburden my soul by admitting that I, too, ponder about the unfathomable such as the wackos on Dr. Phil, Springer, and The Bachelor and why anyone would go out into the jungle naked and afraid.
I also wonder, for example, just what the heck football players wear under their uniforms. On some of those behemoths hardly a square inch of skin is visible beneath the pads, shields, gloves, flak jackets and elastic wraps. And what are those bicep bands on their arms?
Research provided amazing insight that causes one to ponder just how they can move with all that stuff on.
I've long since given up wondering why the slow loris is so slow. And is there a "fast" loris?
And bush babies. What about bush babies (galagos)? They drive me crazy with their freaky eyes. How many times have you heard a noise in the backyard, flashed a light out there and seen two yellow beacons shining back? Just how far away can you spot a bush baby by its eyes? Pretty darn far, it turns out. Life is full of mysteries.
Why is it you always "take" a bath or shower? Where do you take it to? What do you do with it once you get it where you have taken it?
In a related matter, why do shampoo instructions tell you to wash your hair, rinse and repeat? Do they think you can't get it right the first time or do they simply want to sell more shampoo?
Why don't toothpaste tubes instruct you to brush your teeth twice?
How come it is TV weathermen keep referring to humidity coming up from "Old Mexico" rather than simply Mexico? Do they think we get Mexico confused with New Mexico?
Likewise, why is snow always the "white stuff" and rain "the wet stuff?" If it's going to be windy, does that mean there will be a lot of the "clear stuff" and does a drought bring a lot of the "dry stuff"?
Why will there always be "a shower or two" hanging around? Is that hedging their bets when rain will not be widespread?
What do they make the snowflakes out of in snowglobes -- the kind you shake to watch snow falling on plastic reindeer?
Why are there no female Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? How can there be a next generation? Will the turtles simply age and die, unable to procreate?
When your foot falls asleep, does it dream and you just don't know it? What would your foot dream about? Sweet dreams of slippers and massages or nightmares of athlete's foot, toe fungus and high heels?
Why does cat food contain beef and beef byproducts? Have you ever seen Mr. Whiskers bring down a cow?
Why do men wear earrings? Is punching holes in body parts really necessary to make a fashion statement? Also, what ever happened to those guys who wore their baseball caps backwards? It did look stupid, but did it simply fall out of fashion?
Which brings me to a question so baffling that there may never be a satisfactory answer: "Will that be paper or plastic?"
And how is it that plastic seems to be the bag of choice at so many groceries? I mean the high-density (resin identification code 2) polyethylene is not eco-friendly. It is derived from natural gas and petroleum. Paper comes from renewable trees.
Finally, since when did baby goats become ubiquitous on the internet? They're nasty and smelly and cute for only about a minute until they get big.
Far more adorable is the sloth. And by that I mean the two-toed sloth. Three-toed sloths, the stars of Zootopia, are just gross.
One cowers before the enormity of it all. Until next time, Kalaka suggests you go take a nap.
Disclaimer
Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of
Z humorous fabrication X
appears every Saturday. Email:
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HomeStyle on 05/20/2017