With Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday (oh yeah, and Giving Tuesday ... after we already blew all our bucks) quickly approaching, it's time to make those Christmas lists.
And today, I'm here to help you narrow down what shouldn't be on your list, all thanks to our frenemies Oprah and Tiffany.
Oprah, of course, as in Winfrey. And Tiffany as in the luxury jewelry retailer -- not the '80s "I Think We're Alone Now" teen singer. Though we think the latter would be quite helpful this Christmas shopping season -- she did, after all, get her start performing in suburban malls.
Oprah recently released her 20th anniversary "Favorite Things" list with more than 100 gift ideas. And it's as superior as ever. Even if she throws in a pair of CZ Double Pear Drop Earrings to pretend she's down to earth. ("These cubic zirconia earrings are playful enough for jeans, but I think I could get away with them for a black-tie affair. They sure look like the real deal.") Even Oprah's junk jewels cost $89. Of course, if she only went to the bank all by herself after all these years -- to deposit a $2 million check -- can we really expect her to know about Claire's?
The No. 1 suggestion: Her own book (not to be confused with her own TV network, called OWN, which you can watch on your new $1,997.99 Samsung Frame TV, also on the media mogul's list).
Yes, Oprah actually has put Wisdom of Sundays: Life-Changing Insights From Super Soul Conversations by none other than Oprah Winfrey at the tippy-top of her favorites list. As for the information culled from her TV talks with the "world's most extraordinary thought leaders," she says: "These are power: uplifting conversations now condensed to my favorite aha sound bites." At least the $28 will go to a cause. Says Oprah: "All my net proceeds will go to the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation; all the joy, nourishment, and original thinking will go to the reader." Maybe don't expect a chapter on humility.
We'd rather the kind of "nourishment" that comes from the gourmet suggestions on her list: two signature chicken pies from Centerville Pie Co. (brags its Amazon description: "NO vegetables; just a hearty serving of chicken and gravy!") and a dozen artisanal English muffins from The Model Bakery in Napa, Calif. But at $110 and $35 (with $38.85-$66.39 shipping) respectively, these high-carb delicacies are quite high-dollar. That's just too much dough for us.
Still, if you want to order any of Oprah's offerings, just tell another icon who goes by one name and never quite connects with you: Alexa, your Amazon Echo.
Oprah's favorites look downright thrifty to what Tiffany & Co. has in mind this holiday season. New for this year, Tiffany is selling a collection of Everyday Objects, with this philosophy: "Every accessory and object we design has an intelligence and wit that make the ordinary feel extraordinary."
Intelligence? Arguable. Wit? Definitely. At least the prices.
There's the limited edition sterling silver ball of yarn that costs $9,000. The handspun collector piece is sure to leave heads spinning.
Another Everyday Object is the sterling silver first-aid Band-Aid box. Cost: $600. And without any bandages included. That really hurts.
And then there's the sterling silver AM/PM Pillbox (because you'll likely need blood pressure meds to cope with the dollar amount) for $500. Talk about hard to swallow.
There's a $1,500 sterling silver "tin" coffee can and a $575 sterling 12-ounce "paper cup." Of course, with prices like that, you might need to drink a different kind of brew. For the hard stuff, might Tiffany suggest the $1,950 fish flask in sterling silver?
There's a $275 sterling letter opener for when the inevitable credit card statements come.
And lastly, there's even a $385 Tiffany & Co. harmonica for when you want to play the "I'm Broke" blues.
Let's not get into a "Tiff," email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 11/12/2017