Craig O'Neill is not dead.
But on Friday afternoon, journalism students attended a funeral for the KTHV anchor at Roller Chenal Funeral Home in west Little Rock.
It was all part of an obituary writing contest held by the Arkansas chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists. O'Neill took on the role of the recently departed to give the aspiring obituary writers a subject to work with.
The students wore black and sat quietly in the green velvet pews, looking up at the popcorn ceiling or running their eyes across the plastic chandelier sconces hanging along the walls. In their laps, they held programs titled “In Loving Memory: Craig O’Neill” and featuring the KTHV news anchor’s face on the cover. In the photo, he was smiling and surrounded by white fluffy clouds and heavenly rays.
It was a closed-casket funeral. At the front of the room, a picture of the deceased was on display beside a pile of wilted roses. A slideshow featuring some of the happier moments of his life played on a flat-screen TV above the coffin.
Evidently, O’Neill was not inside. He appeared from the aisle, holding a camera to film the proceedings, and lay down the rules: 500 words, one hour, no extensions.
Friends of the deceased were scattered throughout the room in various states of distress. “Be sure to be sensitive and respectful during their time of mourning,” O’Neill warned.
Wearing a black sports jacket and a blood-red shirt, KTHV weatherman Tom Brannon rose from a row reserved for family to deliver his eulogy.
“A man with a voice of god and a heart of gold,” he said, putting on a pair of black sunglasses to hide his tears. “To think, his career has been dying for years, and now him too.”
Brannon laid himself over the coffin, racked with sobs, before returning to his seat. The students’ pencils moved rapidly.
Taking the podium in a brown leather jacket, Catherine Tapp revealed that her longtime friend had always wanted to be a jockey. “A horse jockey,” she said, glancing at the casket wistfully. “He became a disc jockey instead.”
The proceedings concluded with an ode.
Dear Craig O’Neill, we love you still, and though
We lay your bones to rest, the legacy
Of your goodwill remains with those who knew
You best, as well as fans of THV
“That was good, you all,” O’Neill said from the back pew. “Makes me want to come back to life.”
As the crowd departed — the students to make their deadlines, the eulogizers to their day jobs — one friend of the deceased noted the pile of funeral programs that remained.
“You could reuse these,” he said. “Save some cash.”