It's time that we Arkansans declare a new season.
Fummer.
When it's well into fall, but it still feels like summer; when it's October, but it's fronting like August.
That's fummer. And it can be a big old bummer.
It's when all our PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte) expectations meet with the other kind of PSL: positively scorching letdown.
As I write this on an 80ish-degree day, Siri predicts this week should be quite pleasant in Little Rock with highs in the 70s (subject to change by the minute). But looking ahead to this weekend, temps could be back up in the unwelcome 80s. To borrow an expression from the other '80s -- grody!
Here are some ways to cope with the doggone days of fummer:
Wear your fluffiest and fuzziest scarf. And then scarf down ice cream for balance.
Buy brand new boots (maybe some regal riding, classic cowboy, bold booties or some outrageous over-the-knee styles). And then, because you can't bear to close in your toes, boot them to the very back of your closet.
Back to those toes, prolonged summer weather requires pedicures and polish. Pick something like OPI's Big Apple Red. It's too warm for picking any other apples.
Properly maintain your fur coat. Not the kind in storage. The kind on your legs. There's no skirting the issue that this warm period is not the time for an early no-shave November.
Whip up some gazpacho and vichyssoise -- only chilled soups sound super now.
Or cook up a batch of your spiciest chili. With the air-conditioning on full blast, so it's chilly.
Go exploring and take in the colors. There's brown ... the color of the dried-up leaves. And there's brown ... the color of the dead grass. And brown ... the color of the parched mums you bought too early because -- darn it! -- it's supposed to be autumn now. Oh, look, there's something that's, yikes, not brown at all -- pasty fall skin still wearing summer tank tops and shorts.
Instead of preparing to drive in blizzards, drive through Dairy Queen for a Blizzard. There's even a Pumpkin Pie flavor for a fallish fallback.
And enjoy that Blizzard fast. Not just because it will melt in a hot second. But because -- yowwwww! -- brain freeze is the only kind of chill to be experienced now.
Make a playlist with every "cool" song you can think of: "Ice Ice Baby," "Cold as Ice," "Cool It Now," Cold Hearted," and keep it on repeat until ("nothing lasts forever ...") the cold "November Rain."
Break out the wool throws and the cozy comforters. And then spend all night counting sheep because you're completely un-comforter-able.
It's too hot to bake something. It's too hot to burn candles that smell like you baked something. It requires electricity to use plug-ins that smell like you baked something. For a "New Attitude," get one of those Patti LaBelle Wal-Mart pies and accept that during this time of year, that's just the way the homemade crumble crumbles.
Attend the Arkansas State Fair (now through Oct. 22, arkansasstatefair.com) for the fall feels. And the feeling of -- ahhh -- wind from spinny rides. And if you need more heat relief, what better to attend than the Oct. 29 performance of rapper named Coolio? (Here's hoping he performs "Too Hot.")
Attend Cirque du Soleil's show Crystal: A Breakthrough Ice Experience at North Little Rock's Verizon Arena (Oct. 26-29, ticketmaster.com). For seasonally appropriate scenery and free air conditioning.
Consider wearing only a Santa hat or reindeer antlers as your Halloween costume because you're perspiring too profusely for anything else. Ta-da, you are an ugly Christmas sweater!
Sweat out an email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 10/17/2017