Dear Otus,
As has been our habit for 35 years, we plan to hold our annual Smiley family reunion based around Conway's annual Toad Suck Daze, to be held this year May 4-6. We have cousins coming from as far away as Ola and Pangburn, so you can imagine we're pretty disturbed by the reports of some sort of planned protest by some wacko environmental group. Do you know if they still plan to disrupt all the fun?
-- Leonidas W. Smiley,
Menifee
Dear Leo,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to pass along what information I've gleaned about PETA -- the People for the Ethical Treatment of Amphibians.
This militant offshoot of the better-known People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, concentrates its efforts on the fur-less and less lovable frogs, toads, newts and salamanders.
PETA's crusade on behalf of frogs generally consists of picketing French restaurants specializing in sauteed Cuisses de Grenouille. The newts -- as in "eye of" -- brings PETA up against certain Wiccan covens and other hermetic cults still involved in raising newts in order to harvest their ocular organs for use in maleficia.
Although no one much cares about salamanders, PETA's protests did shut down the Austin, Texas, company that specialized in raising caged waterdogs for bait. Waterdog is a common name for the aquatic larva of the tiger salamander (Ambystoma tigrinum) which, according to Angler magazine, are "a deadly live bait for bass, particularly trophy-size bass."
Since 2016, the use of waterdogs has been banned in all Big Bass Tour tournaments. That caused some problems at last month's Kevin VanDam Big Bass Classic on Table Rock Lake in Missouri. It turns out that the initial winner was discovered with waterdogs in his bait well and disqualified. The $36,000 Grand Prize was awarded to the runner-up.
Remember that when the tour comes to Lake Dardanelle on June 2.
All of which demonstrates that when the People for the Ethical Treatment of Amphibians takes an active interest in an event, they can cause a mess of trouble.
According to a PETA spokesman, the popular festival that usually draws 100,000 visitors to downtown Conway, is violating "the natural order of the universe" by utilizing the endangered Fowler's toad (Anaxyrus fowleri) in its famous World Championship Toad Races.
PETA has no problem with the ancillary festival-sanctioned events such as the Toad Suck Run 10K/5K and the Tadpole Trot or the Tour de Toad bicycle race. However, the events using actual live critters have their hackles raised. PETA also claims that there is evidence that due to the status of the event and the rise of off-track toad betting, many participants have begun using so-called "fighting toads" in the races.
Fighting toads have been banned ever since the unfortunate event at the 2004 festival.
Fighting toads are raised on anabolic steroid-soaked crickets. Illegal underground amphibian fight clubs are a growing blight and it was a shock to discover in 2004 the nation's largest toad mill was in nearby Bigelow, just across the Arkansas River from Conway.
Toad doping had been suspected at Toad Suck Daze for several years when obvious "super toads" began showing up at the starting line.
The steroid-enhanced toads -- some of them parenterally administered, or "stacked," before the races -- had serious anger management issues. They also had anemia, renal insufficiency, impotence and pituitary gland dysfunction.
Necropsies often revealed toads with hypogonadotrophic hypogonadism.
In 2004, after winning its race by six yards, one "stacked" toad named Calaveras turned on the other toads and killed 14 of them, much to the horror of small children in the stands.
The monster toad then attacked a nearby Dandie Dinmont terrier that was minding its own business. To be fair, its owner did have the pooch dressed in a frog prince doggy costume for the festival. Pets have since been banned except for the Pet Show with Paw Patrol at the Toadal Kids Zone.
It took repeated blows from a 19-inch privet root burl ball fish cudgel to subdue Calaveras. Even then, it had to be pithed by emergency personnel, causing concern for the spread of batrachian spongiform encephalopathy. The carcass was incinerated on the spot outside the Toad Dome.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that the right of the people -- even PETA -- to peaceably assemble to petition the government for a redress of grievances is guaranteed by the First Amendment.
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