TO: Our PR types
FROM: You-know-who
RE: Talking points memo for immediate use
DAMASCUS--It's been a good week, lads. Those of us in Public Relations were quite taken aback by the American president's threats that the missiles, smart missiles, would soon be flying toward us, our innocent chemical factories that we don't have, and other strategic locations. But the damage their weapons did the other night wasn't all that bad. Not even close to initial reports. In fact, we might begin using our perfectly legal, internally vetted, Moscow-approved and internationally outlawed weapons again! So make sure you get these talking points down, in case you are called to answer a question at a press conference or tribunal. Make them yours. Be believable.
• TALKING POINT No. 1: The UN team sent here to investigate the so-called chemical attack (always use "so-called") was only held up in Damascus for the better part of a week because your friendly Syrian death squads were making sure that the scene was secure for them. Of course! Don't want anybody getting hurt. We're sensitive that way.
• No. 2: The UN team, holed up in our capital, has been allowed to interview anybody we send to them. We even provide translators to make sure our witnesses are reliable. We are the model of cooperation.
• No. 3: On a related matter, we do try to keep foreign journalists from going to the so-called massacre site. For the same reasons. We're just concerned for their safety. As much as we are our own people.
• No. 4: It doesn't make sense to accuse our government of covering up the so-called chemical attack, or tampering with the scene, or waiting till the evidence wafts away. Why would we do that? We claim the Syrian rebels/terrorists/schoolchildren launched the chemical attack to frame our government. Surely we'd want outside investigators to prove as much. And we will allow them access just as soon as it is safe. Like maybe after we're all dead.
• No. 5: Besides, the Russian media has been investigating, too. And they have proof that this so-called chemical attack (which might not have even happened) was a plot by the rebels. The Russian military found a stockpile of weapons and said they were captured from the other side. And the steel canisters found there were similar to the ones used in the so-called chemical attack. Who could possibly need more proof?
• No. 6: And if it wasn't the rebels bombing themselves with chlorine, then follow the lead of our friends the Russians and claim that Great Britain did it. You know how those Brits can be. Always framing the good guys. And bring up that nerve agent attack in Salisbury last month. The Russians say the Brits framed them then, too. This is becoming a habit!
• No. 7: Those several dozens of people who were filmed dying probably died of natural causes. Foaming at the mouth, skin discoloration, screaming in pain . . . . It may sound like a chemical attack, but around here, it's natural causes.
• No. 8: Please make the international press aware that all these reprisal bombings against Syria's government forces do hamper any talks our beloved President Assad might be willing to have in the future. Just give us a few more years and we'll be ready to sit down with the rebels. If there are any. Don't set back the Peace Process! (Make that a rallying call. Certain useful idiots in the West will always fall for that one.)
• No. 9: The UN says that the Syrian government might have carried out more than 30 chemical attacks since 2013. But only can prove 25! About the rest, it claims "insufficient evidence." Proving our case. Or so we say.
• No. 10: If you ever get tripped up by a smarty-pants reporter asking fresh questions, or if you feel that proof has been presented to you of our government's liability in this matter, or if you think that you might not have a perfect answer for some footage they throw at you, remember this: Just say the exact opposite of whatever the Brits and Americans have said previously. Up is down, down is up, safe is deadly and deadly is safe. Remember, we can't pound the facts, so pound the table. And it doesn't matter how ridiculous it might sound. Half the world will believe it.
And never let them see you sweat.
--Humpty Dumpty
Bashar al-Assad's public affairs director
Editorial on 04/21/2018