Have you seen A Quiet Place yet?
Please whisper your answer so as not to anger the aliens.
For those not familiar, the thriller stars John Krasinksi and Emily Blunt and cute kids as a family who must stay completely quiet or risk being devoured by hearing-sensitive space creature things. And, yes, they are extraterrestrials, though the movie never quite explains their origin. Speaking on the Empire Film Podcast, Krasinski disclosed, "They are absolutely aliens. They're from another planet."
The concept is frightening. Formidable.
Fantastic!
Why can't life be more like A Quiet Place? Why can't beings with sensory disorders just show up and instantly silence -- if perhaps not as violently -- the sources of all bothersome sounds?
Particularly these obnoxious noises:
• The neighbor's lawnmower. And leaf blower. And hedge trimmer. Always heard way too early on a Saturday morning, they not only make us crabby, they guilt us into fussing over our own crabgrass when "weed" really rather not bother. Talk about a pain in the grass!
• Snoring. Because the only thing worse than a neighbor sawing logs is a bedmate doing it.
• The neighbor's dog that still thinks we're menacing strangers after three years of living next door and howls every time we dare go outside our house or even into our bedroom that's near his yard. Yeah, that's ruff.
• Singing at concerts. Everybody at the arena paid hundreds of dollars to hear Jon Bon Jovi, not you, Lady in Section 110, Row 3! "Who Says You Can't Go Home?" Not us. Go home, Lady in Section 110, Row 3!
• Singing at musicals like The Lion King, being performed at Little Rock's Robinson Center Performance Hall now through May 6. There will only be "Hakuna Matata" -- which translates to "no trouble" -- if you Shutta Your Moutha!
• Fussy babies crying on planes, in nice restaurants ... in general. They sure rattle us. But do not fit them with tiny oxygen masks and put them in sound-proof coffins as they did in A Quiet Place. That's a far cry from acceptable in real life.
• Whiiiiiining. The only welcome wine sound to our ears is bottles popping. Beyond that, stiiiiiick a coooooork in it alreaaaaaady.
• Hummers. Not the vehicle, but go ahead and throw those in there too. We mean humans who insist on humming, which Merriam-Webster.com defines as "to make the natural noise of an insect in motion." Don't they know insect noises bug everyone?
• That beep-beep-beeping alarm that just will not stop going off; we keep hitting the snooze because we don't want to get out of bed and go to bleep-bleep-bleeping work.
• Whistling. Only in Snow White is whistling while you work semi-charming. And let's be honest, none of those Dopey dudes ended up with the girl at the end.
• Loud slurping, chewing, crunching, champing and munching. Here's a kernel of truth: We'd love to eat all our meals at a silent viewing of A Quiet Place because the hushed crowd was presumably too panicky to crunch their popcorn. Icky mealtime noises just eat us up.
• Pen clicking. Click. Click-clickety-clickety-click-click-click. It's just not possible to click with folks who ink-sist on making such a racket; they're just not write.
• That Zedd/Maren Morris/Grey phone ringtone. Yes, "The Middle" was a catchy song until it was always on the radio and in round-the-clock Target commercials. And now "I'm losing my mind just a little" (cue annoying whistling noise -- we've already covered that). So, why don't you just meet me in the middle? In the middle, oh."
• Sniff. Cough. Hack. Sniff. Cough. Hack. The unofficial song of -- nose blow -- spring in Arkansas -- throat clear -- has to be the most disturbing racket of all -- pollen-tively.
Keep quiet and email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 04/22/2018