Sex on the beach is an intoxicating cocktail of vodka, peach schnapps and orange and cranberry juices.
Ex on the Beach, however, is a toxic blend of bitterness, bikinis and general reality TV ratchedness. Still, the show that debuted last week on MTV (new episodes at 8 p.m. Thursday nights, online at MTV.com) is just as addictive and smooth going down, if somewhat nauseating.
The show stars -- how we hesitate to even use that word -- has-beens from TV's tackier "unscripted" shows like the Bachelor franchise, Big Brother and Bad Girls Club and assorted hot others on a dream vacation.
Or so they think. Not that these people think much, period.
Says the narrator: "In the Pacific, at a topical island villa, we invited 10 reality and social media stars for the ultimate singles getaway. But what they don't realize is we lied!
"One by one, their exes wash up on the beach and crash their party."
That's when things get ex-cruciatingly ex-ploitive. And ex-tra ex-citing to watch.
Here's who is on the show:
Angela Babicz of Oxygen's Bad Girls Club. She says things like, "I'm so excited to be here in Hawaii. I'm ready to get laid and get laid." You can take the girl out of Bad, but you can't take the Bad out of the girl.
Tor'i Brooks is a fitness model who says "The ladies love me." And Tor'i loves his biceps, which he kisses for the camera.
Faith Stowers of Bravo's Vanderpump Rules. When she's not making odd bird chirping sounds, she shares things like, "I dated this guy and gave him part of me and then I found out that he was a (jerk) ... so I peed in his car. Sometimes I ... wonder why am I single. Tweet." We don't. How fowl.
Cory Wharton from MTV's The Challenge. He says, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to be surrounded by some lovely ladies. And we all know that's been my downfall." No we don't know that Cory; we don't even know who you are. It's been challenging to care about shows like The Challenge -- that Real World/Road Rules spinoff -- since about 1998.
Chase McNary of ABC's The Bachelorette. Chase has been on the chase ever since 2016 when JoJo broke his heart. But not his pecs -- look how he makes them dance.
Jasmine Goode of ABC's The Bachelor. This pot-stirrer says she doesn't really have a type. She just wants "someone who's not broke." Which she should have considered before appearing among a cast of unemployables.
Taylor Selfridge of MTV's Are You the One. About her relationship from that show she says, "He ripped my heart out of my chest, stabbed it, dumped salt in the wounds and then lit it on fire." Ooh! We hope her ex is The One who comes back first.
Paulie Calafiore, of CBS' Big Brother. The former pro soccer player says it's difficult to let down his walls. But not so with his pants. He says of his last girlfriend, "We broke up because I (bleep!) someone else." Oh Brother.
Victoria Alario, a fashion blogger. Upon entering the house she immediately tells Chase to take off his shirt. For someone into clothes, she seems more into removing them.
Chris Pearson, an "international DJ." When things are good, he calls them "Gucci." When things are bad he calls them "not Gucci." The casting of this doofy nobody? Not Gucci.
The host of the show is rapper Romeo -- which is perfect because this experiment is certainly going to be a tragedy. He tells them, "For some of you, paradise is about to turn into your own personal hell."
Enter a few exes. Angela's unfaithful ex Derrick, who starred on Are You the One, looks just like Tor'i, who she's already hooking up with. Chase is somewhat happy to see his wild-child ex Skyler (not happy is Victoria who is pursuing him), but he says, "He's tired of partying" -- then why is he here? Though ex Lexi was betrayed by Paulie, she admits she still has intense feelings for him: "I hate you as much as I like you."
Angela and Derrick are the first to enter the Shack of Secrets, which the narrator explains: "It's where Ex on the Beach couples are brought face to face with the truth." She's given seven minutes to go through his phone, which confirms all his player pursuits. No problem. She's got "my man" Tor'i upstairs who looks just like him.
Or maybe not. Tor'i, who is upstairs listening to them fight, looks to be both terrified and turned off. So much for the Shack of Secrets that's not adequately insulated.
Which other exes will return? Which other couples will form? What scandals will surface from the Shack of Secrets? And what will happen when Cory's ex, Alicia, from Are You the One -- who slept with Derrick before being beaten up by Angela -- surfaces? We'll have to stay tuned. Speaking of tunes, will songbird Faith ever stop tweeting?
In the season previews, Paulie manages to sum up the whole Ex on the Beach experience perfectly: "People are wasted and hooking up ... it's 1000 percent a s***show and I love it."
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What's in a Dame is a weekly report of the woman 'hood.
Style on 04/24/2018
Print Headline: Gird your loins for MTV's overboard Ex on the Beach