Thought I'd revisit a column I wrote years ago, when the Internet was still in the "wonder and delight" category for me.
I happened upon several websites that had me guffawing out loud, and I featured them. Decided to go back and see if they were still around.
Especially since I said, in this 1998 column, that humorous websites would be a recurring subject. Well, it's the truth. It just took the subject, ahem, exactly 20 years to recur.
The Talkmistress' Guide
to Zany Websites,
(Long Awaited) Part Two
Motto: "Idleness is the devil's workshop.")
First, let's revisit those from 1998 -- the best of which was KissThisGuy.com, the Diary of Misheard Lyrics. Its name was based on a line in Jimi Hendrix's hit "Purple Haze": "Excuse me while I kiss the sky."
• Now it's the Archive of Misheard Lyrics, and it boasts a sleeker, updated appearance. Ah, but can it still make me laugh? Oh, yeah. Take the All Time Funniest 100 Lyrics, dripping with such goodies as this misheard line from Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back": "I like big butts in a can of limes." And this line in "Aquarius" by the Fifth Dimension: "This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, Asparagus!" Wait, so somebody thought R.E.M was singing "Let's pee in the corner, Let's pee in the spotlight" in their hit "Losing My Religion"? Yep, and someone also thought that KC and the Sunshine Band hit was "Keep it common law." By the way, Robin Thicke's song "Blurred Lines" had blurred lyrics: It made the All Time Funniest list three times.
• There was also a website dedicated to the unnecessary use of quotation marks: The Gallery of "Misused" Quotation Marks, found under juvalamu.com. The gallery is one of several Juvalamu sites that has gone dormant, and this one appears to have had no action since 2000. The chuckle-worthy "exhibits" are still there for your approval and entertainment. I also found a blog dedicated to abused quote marks -- Unnecessaryquotes.com, dormant since 2017 but full of signs, many inevitably home-crafted, by people who should have used all caps or bigger, bolder fonts for emphasis rather than quotation marks. The eye-crosser: A sign asking the reader to "Please" "Do Not" "Use" "Elevator" and assuring said reader that the request is "For Your Safety." The sign was generated by Maintenance, which ironically left that word quote mark-free. Personal favorite: the now-hiring sign that trumpets "Competitive Starting Pay"!! "Flexible Hours!" Um, applicants were warned. Most sinister ... the large "DINER" sign atop what looks to be a diner, but who knows what it really is?
• The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest (bulwer-lytton.com), sponsored since 1982 by the English Department at San Jose State University. Entrants compete to write deliberately bad opening book paragraphs in the vein of "It was a dark and stormy night ... "
Kat Russo of Loveland, Colo., penned the 2017 winning entry: "The elven city of Losstii faced towering sea cliffs and abutted rolling hills that in the summer were covered with blankets of flowers and in the winter were covered with blankets, because the elves wanted to keep the flowers warm and didn't know much at all about gardening." (One of Yours Truly's claims to fame is entering this contest at the turn of the millennium and earning a Dishonorable Mention in the Romance Category.)
Since 1998, myriad funny websites have popped up. The granddaddy of them all may well be PeopleofWalmart.com ... the site that has highlighted exposed shoulder blade-area back fat enough to certainly make me avoid racerback tops.
Others include Overheard-inNewYork.com, with funny snatches of conversation. Overheardeverywhere.com and Overheardintheoffice.com both sport Arkansas sections. Found on the latter, an overheard workplace convo in the Capital City:
Manager: Would you like to buy a Lab?
Subordinate: Like, a meth lab?
Manager: Umm, no. Like, a dog.
And if you think you've seen enough awkward family photos, go to Awkwardfamilyphotos.com. These pictures are different from the standard 1970s Olan Mills awkward photos we've come to know and cringe at the thought of.
In one, a disdainful dog gives a woman a "talk to the paw" gesture. Caption: "My dog was done with my girlfriend." And in another, a pacifier acts as a wine cork with the caption: "My sister is a single mother of 3. Yesterday I found this in her kitchen, which is a pretty perfect representation of her life."
Warning: Not everything on these sites is rated G, and they do present the temptation to loaf on the job. But if you need a bit of a strong pick-me-up, log on and keep your tissues handy.
Thought Barry Manilow was singing, "Looks like emailed it":
hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style on 08/12/2018