It's become painfully obvious in the last few years that one need not spend time and money only on decorating one's home for Christmas.
Decorating one's self has become a big business.
It has gotten to where it wasn't just about cute reindeer-ears headbands and Rudolph noses. Every time we thought we'd seen it all in notable Yuletide fashions, up popped another trend, design or slogan to make the head spin. So much so that the trend has, frankly, gotten old. A recent trip to the big-box store yielded a fairly boring selection of ugly Christmas sweaters, tops and dresses. A scroll through the websites revealed the same tired, raunchy, should-be-passe references involving Santa's laugh and scatalogical antics in all their eye-roll-inducing glory.
But then Christmas beard decor caught my eye. If a hipster beard-wearing dude wants his mane to really stand out, he need only turn to Beard Lights, thanks to United Kingdom e-tailer Firebox.com. "Not got room for a Christmas tree in your dismally small rental flat?" the come-hither copy reads. "Don't bother with one of those dinky desk sized ones, just ... make yourself the tree this year."
Guys can also jazz up their beards with miniature Christmas tree bulbs, thanks to companies like Beardaments, which also offers, ahem, glitter for the beard . . . letting us know that, yes, the end is near.
This got me wondering just how creatively ultra-ugly one could get this Christmas. Enough with the now-usual 3-D Christmas sweaters with tinsel, lights, ornaments, battery-operated train sets and slogans that urge us to "get lit!" We're looking for Christmas fashion gear that's so ugly, it's ... evil.
Further investigation has dug up a few worthy candidates.
Opposuits.com, purveyors of men's year-round ugly business-style suits (your man, too, can dress pretty much like the Riddler!) offers a variety of eyeball-melting Christmastime suiting, the worst of which is the Winter Wonderland short suit. It's a short-sleeved, Bermuda-shorts version of the "regular" Winter Wonderland suit, $99.99, whose red, white and green horizontal stripe design features silhouettes of snowflakes, Christmas trees and Santa on his way. The design brings to mind bad ski sweaters and the pajama pants students wear to convenience stores and fast-food places. It's bad enough on a conventional suit. That they went and made a shorts set is a sure sign of the Apocalypse.
Gear that indicates that another "ugly" trend is on the horizon: Clothing for Deliberately Awkward Family Photos. This fear struck me as I viewed PajamaGram's Matching Christmas Pajamas for Dad, Mom, young'uns and even the family pet ($12.99 each at Amazon.com). The jammies are regular red-and-white Santa-theme fare, not so bad for a single person. But seeing the group image of the parents, three children, a cat and a dog, all modeling the same sleeping garment, brings to mind every horrifying 1970s-era Olan Mills family photo ever seen.
Having worn out the reindeer-ears headband, we've now moved on to the Reindeer Hoodie. Sure, they throw out the word "cosplay" (costume play) to make it seem harmless. But the garment ($4.69-$14.08) by GzxtLTX Christmas whose hood sprouts antlers, and the fake-furry, contrasting chest area is sure to make you look like a Midsummer Night's Dream on Crack. Unlike U Look Ugly Today's hoodie, with reindeer face, red nose and antlers on the hood, GzxtLTX's hoodie is downright sinister. Oh, and it comes not only in brown, but gray, Army green, black and red.
I began to wonder if someone out there had thrown Christmas so far under the bus as to have come up with an ugly Christmas ballgown. Unnngh, sure enough, someone had. Jillian Owens, the writer of the Refashionista.net blog, wrote of how the local newspaper contacted her about doing an Ugly Christmas Sweater refashion. Jillian obliged ... by making a ballgown from six ugly Christmas sweaters. She created a strapless, color-blocked, mermaid-shaped sheath complete with Christmas-tree bulb on the front bodice, a snowman at the hip, gingerbread men on the opposite leg, and a Santa Bear flaring out at the hem. The dress made the paper and a video of the making of the garment can be found at the website. Shocking.
So as you wonder just how far they'll take Ugly Christmas fashions into the future, you might also be wondering just what will show up at the Ugly Christmas Sweater-and-more parties you attend this season.
No one sporting a lighted, bulbed beard with that ballgown, we hope.
Email:
hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style on 12/02/2018