Regular readers may recall that the Aug. 14, 2016, column -- which ran during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro -- was a suggested list of "Olympics for the Rest of Us." That column was an updated version of a similar offering on Aug. 9, 1992.
Suggestions in the 1992 column included mall shopping, action-movie fighting "demagoguery, filibustering and promise-making" along with video and cassette-recorder programming (again, this was 1992). Suggestions in 2016 included texting, celebrity gossiping, sarcastic online commentary and selfie-posting.
To thrill and wow you, we've brought you a new list to ponder as you peruse the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which wraps up Feb. 25. As was the case per previous suggestions, these Olympic games would actually be seasonless.
Imagine the pageantry, the spectacle, the commentary if there were ...
OLYMPICS FOR
THE REST OF US
The game: Tweeting
Description: The social medium whose status has been brought to the fore as President Donald Trump's communication choice deserves its own Olympic competition. As with texting, this would require only the thumbs to be toned and athletic. And, as with texting, contestants need only use their smartphones to see who can lay down messages in 280 or fewer characters most expeditiously.
Possible complications for rulemakers: Getting in disputes among themselves as to whether the president's tweets should be held as a standard; being faced with the president's insistence on competing himself.
The game: Kardashian trivia knowledge
Description: This game is an offshoot of the Celebrity Gossiping competition from 2016. The Kardashians aren't going anywhere; in fact, they're breeding copiously. In this game, teams of athletes would have to correctly answer when asked to name not only all the Kardashians themselves but, all the Kardashian spouses, late spouses, ex-spouses and babydaddies/babymamas; create a timeline of Kardashian milestones and headlines; and answer questions about Keeping Up With the Kardashians seasons and episodes. There would be a Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner subcategory.
Possible complications for rulemakers: The quickly-shifting lives of the Kardashians could make it near-impossible to keep the game updated.
The game: Speed-grocery shopping
Description: This is the one "rest of us" game that may very well call for athletes' physical condition to be comparable to that of regular Olympic athletes. These competitors will have to be able to race through a grocery store -- during a Saturday or (worse) Sunday afternoon, or during the after-work weekday rush. After meeting the parking-space challenge they'll have to shop for a full, balanced basket of groceries. They'll have to successfully (1) avoid getting a shopping cart with a jacked-up wheel, (2) reach high shelves without assistance, (3) reach around folks blocking the aisle as they yak on their cellphones or blocking the product display as they ponder which brand of item to get, (4) listen to screaming babies and youngsters, (5) avoid crashing into other shoppers when passing or emerging from an aisle, (6) not only find an open lane, but avoid getting stuck in the slowest checkout line and (7 and most importantly) retain a good mood. Oh, and beforehand they'll have to provide the closest possible estimate of how much their groceries will cost.
Possible complications for rulemakers: their extreme reluctance to give this game a run-through themselves.
The game: Rush-hour traffic driving
Description: This is pretty much the driving version of grocery shopping: athletes must quickly and most safely wade through left/right turns that take forever and other drivers who tailgate, cut them off, drive slowly in the fast lane, fail to signal or weave in and out of traffic as if their destination is more important than anyone else's.
Possible complications for rulemakers: See speed-grocery shopping.
The game: Getting ready to go out
Description: Athletes would have to quickly and efficiently get themselves presentable to leave the house. Competition would be divided into Work, Sports Events, Date Night, Church and Special Occasion competitions. Divisions would include female and male youth, young adult and senior, with the latter being given the longest time allowance.
Possible complications for rulemakers: the possibility of having to keep adding time allowances for the Senior Female division. (The struggle is real.)
Gold, silver or bronze email:
hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style on 02/18/2018