If not watching the Olympics was a sport, I'd so get the gold.
Though I did have every intention of tuning in to the action at the Winter Games in PyeongChang, South Korea, I still haven't seen a full 10 minutes. Now, I did happen to catch some male speed skater from somewhere set a some new record or something.
It was so thrilling that I speedily changed the channel from NBC to some other network's counterprogramming, like CBS' Celebrity Big Brother or ABC's The Bachelor: Winter Games.
I not only like those desperate D-list excuses for shows, I totally "luge" them with every bone in my "skeleton" (those are apparently Olympics things, or so I've been told).
But still, we who don't care about "curling" unless it involves our hair might not wish to admit we don't care about the Olympics, lest we look like we've not done our homework for Patriotism 101.
So, as I did with the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy, and then the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, I've put together a conversation guide to help the Olympics-oblivious fake it through Sunday.
What to say:
• "That injury was just heartbreaking."
Injury -- sadly -- is always a safe conversation subject. In these battles of country vs. country and man vs. man vs. self vs. elements, there are always mishaps.
Pick one: The Austrian snowboarder who broke his neck. The U.S. luger who couldn't finish after a crash. Or the Job of the Winter Olympics, American skier Tommy Bisemeyer.
The day before Bisemeyer's first competition, he was injured in training. Which would have been bad enough. But he was injured prior to the 2010 and 2014 games.
For this skier, the men's downhill just keeps going downhill.
• "How about that Shaun White?!"
Back in 2006, even the Olympics-indifferent adored Shaun White, the seemingly lovable young snowboarder with the wild ginger locks.
He's still bringing home Olympic gold, but he lost the red -- he cut his glorious hair. Way worse, his medals have been tarnished by the 2016 sexual harassment/breach of contract allegations made by the former drummer of his band (they settled out of court last spring). First he said he didn't want to discuss "gossip," a word choice for which he apologized. He later told The New York Times, "I regret my behavior of many years ago and am sorry that I made anyone -- particularly someone I considered a friend -- uncomfortable."
And then, if that wasn't enough, he inadvertently dragged the American flag through the snow after winning and appeared to step on it. Again his apology tour continued: "I remember being handed the flag, but I was trying to put my gloves on and hold the flag and get the board. ... I definitely didn't mean any disrespect."
At the guy once nicknamed "The Flying Tomato," some would like to hurl rotten tomatoes.
• "Can you believe the controversy?"
Even if you haven't seen one millisecond of coverage, this is certainly appropriate because there's inevitably some sort of controversy.
Like when NBC commentator and former U.S. skier Bode Miller suggested an Austrian skier's lackluster performance was the fault of her marriage? "The knee is certainly an issue," he said, referencing her previous ACL injury. "I want to point out she also got married. And it's historically very challenging to race on the World Cup with a family or being married. Not to blame the spouses, but I just want to toss it out there that it may be her husband's fault."
Such clueless comments do not bode well for the broadcasting career of Bode.
And like when American skeleton competitor Katie Uhlaender had a bone to pick with the Great Britain team over their racing suits designed with drag-resistant ridges. This when regulations clearly state, "No aerodynamic elements whatsoever may be attached either outside or under the race suit."
Though their uniforms did get approved, let it be said the British skeleton team made a boneheaded move.
Send a "humerus" email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.
Style on 02/20/2018