Otus the Head Cat

Lots of running, a little scoring are goals of soccer

A Dutch soccer fan reacts with unbounded joy as his team scores against Sweden last October. The Netherlands won 2-0, but was shut out of the World Cup on complicated qualifying points. Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday.
A Dutch soccer fan reacts with unbounded joy as his team scores against Sweden last October. The Netherlands won 2-0, but was shut out of the World Cup on complicated qualifying points. Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday.

Dear Otus,

As a good ol' boy raised on football -- I mean real football -- back in the glory days of Ronnie Caveness and Bobby Kincaid, I make no apologies for not understanding all this so-called World Cup stuff. There isn't even an American team in the thing and all the terms are in French.

I tried to watch the match between Andalasia and Florin, but got totally lost with all the pointless running back and forth with nothing happening.

-- Bubba Mainard,

Cabot

Dear Bubba,

It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to have the opportunity to explain the subtle nuances of soccer -- or what every other country in the world calls football.

The FIFA (Federation Internationale de Football Association) World Cup comes around every four years and this time it's being played in Russia. There is no American team this year because our boys were eliminated in October in a stunning 2-1 loss to tiny Trinidad and Tabasco.

The finals will be televised at 10 a.m. July 15 on Fox. More than a billion viewers are expected, so it is a big deal. A paltry 103.4 million watched the last Super Bowl

To help you appreciate the action, here's a quick overview of how soccer -- or football -- is played and an explanation of those French terms.

Basics: To win, a team must score more goals (un but) than the other guys. If both teams have no goals or score the same number of goals, you have what is technically called "a tie," or in soccer-ese, "un match nul."

A goal is worth one point (t'sais). There isn't a lot of scoring in soccer, which explains the players' and fans' orgiastic celebrations (tu fais quoi) on the rare occasion a ball happens to get past the goalie.

To count as a goal, the ball must completely cross over the goal line in an action known as "vache sacree." The goal is 24 feet wide and 8 feet high.

The proper universal reaction is to scream, "Goooooooooooooooooooooooal!"

Each team consists of 11 players including the goalie, who gets to wear a colorful outfit (vetements droles) so he can be spotted more easily. Each game consists of two 45-minute halves (demimondes) with no timeouts. No timeouts mean no commercials and is perhaps the single most important reason soccer will never catch on in the United States.

Kick off: After the coin toss (traditionally the Dutch Guilder), matches begin with a kick (coup d'envoi) from the Center Mark, which is in the center of the "Center Circle," which is in the center of the field, which is a little bigger than a football field.

Penalty kick: These (c'est pourri) are awarded for major offenses occurring within the penalty rectangle near the goal. It's one player vs. the goalie and results in goals 90 percent of the time. Examples of major offenses: tripping, pushing, kicking, biting or insulting a player's mother.

The wall: If the attacking team is awarded a penalty kick, the other team forms a defensive wall (le mur des hommes) 10 yards away to try to block it. Soccer is played without benefit of athletic cups, so the defending players usually stand with their hands in front of themselves in the protective position known as "bete comme un chou."

Soccer balls have been clocked at 90 mph and can strike with crippling, emasculating force.

Corner kick. If the defenders last touch a ball going over the end line, the offense gets a corner kick from the balkline. If it goes in the goal, a bocage is scored.

Direct free kick: For major offenses outside the penalty area. The kicker (called a striker or brochet) tries to guide the ball over the defenders and into the goal for a bruler le trottoir, worth one point.

Indirect free kick: Awarded for minor offenses such as spitting, foul language, taunting, gum chewing, intentional sweat-slinging and off sides. Two players have to touch the ball to count as a goal. This is called the du fort au faible.

Throw ins: If a ball goes out of bounds (hors limites), the team that didn't cause it gets to toss it back in (touche). This is a weird move. The tosser (jongleur) holds the ball with both hands, runs no more than four steps and flips it over his head while standing on both feet.

If you want to see some hot quarterfinal action, tune in to Fox at 1 p.m. today for the Morocco Mud Hens vs. the Saudi Arabia Sand Fleas. A halftime highlight will be the teams' competing camel mascots. A stampede in the 2014 games wiped out the Saudi marching mazhar section, so there's some tension expected.

Until next time Kalaka reminds you Otus is locally owned and operated.

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Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of humorous fabrication


Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of 👉 humorous fabrication 👈 appears every Saturday.

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