Spin Cycle

No electricity? Power through this survival list

We did it. We survived the Power Outage of 2018.

At least we hope that was it. Last Saturday, one of the hottest days of the summer, more than 60,000 Arkansans were temporarily without power due to storms with strong winds.

Some more temporarily than others. While some friends had power back in about six hours, I didn't for 17; others waited much longer.

I've put together a survival list of 30 tips for the next time the power goes out at 3 a.m. on a summer Saturday.

1. Try going back to sleep and hoping it was all a horrible dream. When that doesn't work, wake up and go on flashlight-finding mission.

2. Remember that you stashed them away in the garage. The really dark garage. Try flicking on the lights unsuccessfully, completely forgetting the whole reason you're looking for the flashlights is because the lights won't work.

3. Speaking of lights that won't work ... have you replaced flashlight batteries recently? Good luck digging in the junk drawer for flashlight batteries without a flashlight.

4. Remember that you've had a flashlight this whole time. Your phone has one on it. And -- who knew? -- it's actually good for something other than waving it around at concerts.

5. For additional illumination -- and the added bonus of fragrance -- light every candle you can find. Don't forget the half-burned unseasonable candles that might be stashed in a cabinet.

6. Wow, those candles really emit heat, don't they? Especially when the air conditioning is out and you can't use fans. Start panicking, but then realize that panicking means perspiring. Ugh, it's already getting warm. And the remains of last year's fall/winter candles -- Hot Cocoa & Cream, Marshmallow Fireside and Sweater Weather really aren't helping matters.

7. Cool off with a cold drink.

8. Realize that -- oh yeah -- you can't use the ice or the water dispenser because the refrigerator is, of course, electric.

9. Speaking of the refrigerator, it's just a matter of time before that stuff is going to go bad. Better get on your tablet and look up a helpful list of what needs to be tossed and when.

10. Curse yourself for being cheap and opting for the tablet that's WiFi-only because, of course, that's out too.

11. Remind yourself that it could be worse. You still have your phone.

12. A phone that hardly has a charge on it and a weak cellular signal. You better just save that for emergencies. And texting the electric company to report the outage.

13. Receive a message back saying the outage has been confirmed and that the power will be on at noon.

14. Think, "Noon. That's not so bad. That's only a few hours from now."

15. Read the text again. It says power will be on at noon ... tomorrow.

16. Keep texting the electric company for updates every two seconds.

17. Same reply.

18. Same reply.

19. Oh look, a new reply!

20. Whew! It doesn't say the power will be on at noon tomorrow. Boo! It says something much worse: "Estimated restoration time is not available due to extensive outages."

21. And speaking of outages, the battery on your phone is about to die.

22. Be stubborn when friends offer to let you stay with them. You're sure the power will be on any minute. Or any hour.

23. It's time to get dressed in the dark, throw on a ballcap and head out into civilization. At least your car isn't electric.

24. No, your car isn't electric. But the garage door is. You're not going anywhere until you -- in your unfortunate outfit of cat-hairy yoga pants and T-shirt with hole in it -- manually release and open the door (that will be such pain to reconnect later).

25. Repeat step No. 24, substituting "gated neighborhood" for garage and "gate" for electric door.

26. Freedom! You'll toast to that with an iced tea ... after you drive around for a few more miles -- passing fleets of electric company trucks -- and wait in a really long line. The storm-targeted Sonic is closed, and the Chick-fil-A is packed.

27. Waiting in line gives you time to charge your phone, study discouraging online outage maps, read Facebook statuses from people equally hot and miserable as you and -- whoa! -- see just how much cat hair is on your yoga pants. You can't go anywhere else looking like that until you defuzz and fix yourself up.

28. Defuzz. And get depressed because you're beyond help today. You can't dry or curl your hair. You can't see well enough to do your makeup, and you'd just get hot and sweaty trying.

29. Take up an offer to go to a cool, casual Mexican joint. Eat yourself into a food coma. Take a sweaty nap. Read previously downloaded e-books. Stare at the walls. Take a bath. Still feel hot. Give in. Make plans to stay at an air-conditioned home across town.

30. Notice humming noises. Wait, that's the glorious sound of the air-conditioning clicking on and the fans blowing! You're at home again in your very home -- and cool! Well, after you're done sweating from dancing around and singing Snap's "I've Got the Power!"

Use your power for good, email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.

Style on 07/29/2018

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