Happy Sunday -- I'm wishing you all a fantastic, five-star Sabbath!
It turns out those Google reviews aren't limited to just auto repair shops, hair salons and burger joints. People actually leave rated Google reviews -- complete with comments -- for churches. Instead of just ranking your physician, you can rank where you worship the Great Physician.
All one can say to this is: "Holy!"
I recently found myself reading Arkansas church reviews, when I surely should have been reading Scripture instead. Like 2 Thessalonians 3:11, "We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies."
Most house-of-worship reviews are favorable. Stuff like, "Perfect blend of Truth and Grace from the Pastors" and "A little taste of Heaven right here on earth."
Still, some of the bad reviews are just so funny I have to share. After all, Proverbs 17:22 says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine."
Names are hidden to protect the holy ... and the "HIGHLY JUDGEMENTAL (sic)."
For a minute, I thought this reviewer of a Little Rock church was writing about a restaurant.
The pieces of fish you get for your money isn't worth it for $12.00 and a very small handful of fries. And $14.00 two dollars extra for an extra piece of fish all pieces of fish are the size of a fish stick. ... My friends and myself will never come here at all to get fish again. ... Unless they change there portion and prices. ... My mother did say that the people at the church was very friendly. I think so to, but good people don't rob people who's trying to support them!
Then I realized she was reviewing the church's fish fry. So much for a loaves-and-fishes miracle.
A reviewer of another Little Rock church gave a one-star rating for aesthetics.
What a dump.
Ah, Google reviewer, had you stuck around, maybe you'd have heard about 1 Samuel 16:7: "People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." We're guessing the critic probably didn't give a donation to the building fund.
Timing prompted a reviewer to leave this three-star critique on a Hot Springs church.
Have enjoyed this church very much. .. But with the new schedule of services, having the primary service at 8:30 in the morning, will be unacceptable for us.
The church didn't respond, but we will, with Proverbs 6:9, "How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep?"
This reviewer, who gave three stars to a different Little Rock church, critiqued the architecture.
As an atheist who doesn't often visit churches this isn't bad. ... On the other hand, the architecture more warehouse-y than a church. Somewhat bland (I'm used to a lot of stone and marble and stained glass and uncomfortable wooden pews).
So really what the reviewer is used to is a cushy bed and sleeping in on Sundays.
A church in Little Rock got a few one-star reviews for its school. This one stood out:
Awful school. The teachers scare me a lot.
Since Proverbs 9:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom," we'd say your teachers are doing an outstanding job. And, hey, you can still type, so any ruler whacks to the knuckles clearly didn't cause any permanent damage.
A church in North Little Rock received this one-star review:
This place is HIGHLY JUDGEMENTAL and full of clicks. If your not in one of them in time you will be told rudelyy by the pastor to leave.
Admittedly I too am feeling highly judgmental (it's not spelled JUDGEMENTAL, ahem) after reading "clicks" when the writer meant "cliques" and "your" instead of "you're" and "rudelyy" instead of "rudely." Maybe I have found my spiritual home.
I think I found someone else who belongs at the highly judgmental church: this reviewer who gave a Little Rock church she never attended one star.
I have not attended and probably won't due to you calling children kids which are baby goats you said you have a great kids program no thank you.
Surely, she was "kidding?"
In conclusion, we'll ask the Father to forgive us our Google reviews as we forgive those who Google review against us.
Deliver us an email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 06/10/2018