Dear Dad,
Happy Father's Day! Consider this your card. I can save on postage, and after all, you've always taught me to be frugal!
As for your gift, well, I'm still working that out as I write this. You've never been easy to buy for. You don't really do "dad" things. You don't golf. You don't fish. You don't grill. You don't drink. Much. Not enough to require an Urban Outfitters Sudski Shower Beer Holder, $15, anyway.
Because you got a Groupon deal, bowling is up your alley these days. (But, of course, you already bought a new ball, so there goes that idea.) Which I know because you love to brag and send me photos of the scoreboard when you win.
And even though you send me bowling photos via outmoded email instead of text, you don't need a new phone or Apple Watch because you already have those; you just haven't mastered their texting capabilities.
I'm not buying you tickets to see your beloved baseball team, the Baltimore Orioles, because they're doing lousy -- 5th in the American League East as of deadline. And because I got an Orioles gift card for your birthday two months ago and you haven't used it because they're doing lousy.
So I go online for Father's Day suggestions.
In Amazon's Father's Day Gift Shop, I click on "Unique Gifts. And I realize that even retail giant Amazon doesn't know what to buy the difficult-to-shop-for dad.
One of the "Father's Day" gifts they suggest: "Personalized Mother's Day Cutting Board, A Mother's Love is the Heart of the Family with Custom Names, Engraved Bamboo Cutting Board, 100% Bamboo."
Oh, mother. Well, it is certainly original. I bet no father in the world has that.
Moving on.
No Father's Day gift guide is complete without a box of meat, like an Omaha Steaks assortment that includes steaks and burgers for grill masters. Only you'd be the one grilling me about this gift selection.
You'd say: "So who is going to prepare it and clean up afterward? You know, when you spend money at Outback Steakhouse and Ruth's Chris Steak House they actually do the cooking?"
And then there are the outfits -- such as Man Crates, which sells a "Cow-pocalypse Crate for $119 -- that thinks all dads want a box of dried meat. But you would have a beef with that.
You'd say: "Sweet picante jerky, teriyaki jerky, crushed red pepper jerky, jalapeno carne asada, cracked chipotle pepper. Are you trying to tell me I am what I eat?"
BusinessInsider.com suggests a coffee subscription that starts at $24: "Control how often your dad will receive a fresh bag of whole bean coffee from this popular artisanal brand. There are only select Blue Bottle locations around the world, but he can experience its delicious coffee anywhere he lives."
You'd say: "Do you know how much Folger's -- I like the Breakfast Blend -- I can buy for $24? And it's available everywhere."
On the subscription front, there are a bunch of craft brew clubs -- Microwbrewed Beer of the Month, The Original Craft Beer Club, Beers Across American. The Original Craft Beer Club says, "Each monthly Craft Beer Club selection is produced by small-production, independent, artisan, craft brewers who use traditional brewing ingredients with creative techniques and time-honored brewing methods to create their brews."
You'd say: "What do you mean they don't include Miller Lite?"
Speaking of light, Uncommon Goods has a sentimental Long Distance Friendship Lamp ($75 for one; $150 for two, which will be required to make this work): "When you turn one on with a simple touch of your hand, its mate emits the same ambient glow, no matter where it is and who is on the other end: Parent or grandparent, niece or nephew, or long-distance significant other. Each person sets up their lamp via Wi-Fi, then reaches out and touches the lamp whenever they want to let their loved one know they're thinking of them.
You'd say: "Can't you just pick up the phone and call me? Also, stop wasting electricity!"
In conclusion, act surprised -- make that "bowled over" -- when you get a restaurant gift card like you always do.
Love,
Jennifer
Email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 06/17/2018