Louisiana Purchase a terrible deal, Trump says

Dear Otus,

Is there any truth to the rumor that President Trump plans to back out of the Louisiana Purchase deal? In my opinion, that was a bargain. How does he expect to get a better deal with France now?

-- Herb Cohen,

Fayetteville

Dear Herb,

It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to reassure you that if President Trump promises to get a better deal on the Louisiana Purchase, then by golly, he'll do it.

I understand your confusion. When asked Monday if pulling out of the Louisiana Purchase deal was real, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders scowled and said, "I will not validate one way or another a leak out of an internal staff meeting."

Sarah gets to say something similar three or four times a week, but in this case, Trump followed up with an early morning tweet from @realDonaldTrump that was sent out at 2:17 a.m. Tuesday.

"LousyAnna Purchase BAD!!," he tweeted. "Remember how badly France was behaving after the deal in place. They were trying to take over Europe by whatever means necessary. SAD."

Trump, of course, was speaking about Napoleon Bonaparte, from whom President Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana Territory in 1803. Napoleon used the then-enormous sum of $15 million for the 828,000 square miles to fund the coming conflicts led by Britain.

Thanks to the infusion of Jefferson's money, the Napoleonic Wars lasted until 1815 and the Battle of Waterloo.

But what fries Trump's grits more than anything is the accepted notion that Jefferson, who overcame Federalist Party opposition to the deal by asserting that his constitutional power to negotiate treaties was sufficient, has gone down as America's greatest deal maker in history. Jefferson doubled the size of the nascent United States at a cost of less than 3 cents per acre.

For the record, the Louisiana Territory included everything from the Mississippi River to the Rocky Mountains and the Port of New Orleans to Canada.

Being the consummate wheeler dealer, it grates on Trump that Jefferson is in the history books. Don't take my word for it. You need look no further than words attributed to Trump in 1987's The Art of the Deal.

Ghostwritten by journalist Tony Schwartz, the memoir/advice book skyrocketed to the top of The New York Times best-seller list. Of course, these days the proper way to refer to that would be "The failing New York Times best-seller list."

At the heart of the book is an 11-step formula for guaranteed business success. No. 11 is "Have fun."

"Successful deal-making should be about the thrill of winning and accomplishing something, not solely for making money," Schwartz quotes Trump as saying. And just as Bill Clinton was never happier than when on the campaign trail, Trump is never happier than when he's negotiating a deal.

Just witness Trump's recent semi-giddiness from backing out of the Iran nuclear deal -- "a horrible one-sided deal that should have never, ever been made" -- and his masterful maneuvering to get Kim "Rocket Man" Jong Un to agree to dismantle his nuclear test site ahead of their June 12 summit in Singapore.

And now, trading on his newfound bromance with French President Emmanuel Macron, Trump is prepared to unilaterally back out of the Louisiana Purchase and make France pay for the improvements since 1803 to the approximate 512,000,000 acres it contains.

With land costing today between $1,000 and $4,000 per acre, today's value of the Louisiana Purchase is near $1.2 trillion. Trump plans to use the money to finish building his Mexican wall.

Of course that will mean that the state of Arkansas and all or part of the 12 other states in the former Louisiana Territory will revert to French control for the foreseeable future. It's the price of progress.

The official transfer will take place Sept. 1, when the Arkansas consulate will be established in what is now the Conway offices of Rep. French Hill at 1105 Deer St. The French thought that taking over Hill's office would cause the least confusion since he's already French and won't be needing it anymore.

Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that new Arkansas driver's licences (or "permis de conduire") can be applied for online at French.com.beginning Aug. 15. Allow two to six weeks for delivery.

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Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of

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HomeStyle on 05/19/2018