"The 2019 Old Farmer's Almanac: A Comforting Constant in a Changing World."
That was the headline on the news release accompanying the copy of the latest edition of the book I refer to as the 'Nac.
Boy, true that. Things are changing so fast. Getting crazy so fast, it's tempting to cling to anything that's time-honored. Luckily, the 'Nac makes a lot more sense than, say, Christmas fruitcake -- and has fewer calories. The 2019 incarnation is the 227th edition of the 'Nac, which makes its nod to today's techy society by being offered digitally as well as in print.
One of the standout features of this edition is its 2019 trends forecast, which tells we'll be into such things as:
• Exercise classes at the grocery store. This is one trend on which I hope Arkansas lags behind. Groups of people sweatin' to the oldies over the food displays is, ahem, a less than appetizing vision. And how are exercisers supposed to concentrate on getting fit when they have those oh-so-accessible doughnuts, chips, candy and soft drinks in their faces?
• Collectors of retro-tech. Yes, the rotary phones and View-Masters mentioned in the news release will be collector's items among younger people, as surely will 8-track tape players, videocassette recorders and big, pyramid-shaped land cameras. Now that's a trend to climb aboard. Remember what a heckuva self-defense weapon those heavy old rotary phones would make? And anybody who saw the scene in the 2012 science fiction movie Battleship, where the earth guys had to resort to the old-school, analog battleship after their state-of-the-art ship was taken out by the aliens, will feel better with some backup for their 21st-century gadgets. Move over, Victrolas, the Sony Walkman is the new antique!
• Toilets that flush on command -- not to be confused with those toilets that scare several years' growth out of us by flushing on their own with cruise-ship force. An entreaty to users of these newfangled commodes: Please issue courtesy commands.
• Coats that double as backpacks, sleeping bags or blankets. Well there goes another chance I had to make money: My coats stopped being "just" coats a long time ago.
The 'Nac also gets into such matters as eating flowers -- which has graduated from being something our parents whupped us for doing during our childhood, ruining their yards and gardens in the process. Also offered: tips on gardening, pickling, sausage making, recipes (orange and bacon Brussels sprouts? Hmmm!) and testing the soil with the use of clean underwear (yes, for real) and miscellaneous other back-to-the-land tidbits interspersed with the usual ads for stair lifts and work-at-home opportunities.
And the weather forecasts, for which the Old Farmer's Almanac is known? According to the map that accompanied the 'Nac, Arkansas will spend the winter of 2018-19 -- drum roll, please -- warm and wet! Just as always! Where the forecast gets interesting is in the prediction that the Northeast will also be warm and wet, while parts of New Mexico, Arizona and Nevada will be cold and/or snowy. (Nearly half the continental U.S. will be cool and wet during summer 2019, which means folk who have no bucks to travel will probably be forced to live even more vicariously through those who can afford to get away to sun-kissed, far-flung beaches.)
But just as the more things change, the more they stay the same, the reverse bears out. For instance, it took 227 years before a woman -- Vermont writer and poet Julia Shipley -- came on board to write the 'Nac's Farmer's Calendar essays. An overdue and welcome change, to be sure.
But with some apprehension, I wonder if they'll start to make the 'Nac over for younger readers. Imagine the rewording of material in the 2019 edition:
"It's gonna be rainy A [paired with second initial indicating a worn-out curse word] in the northeast."
"Yo! Foods that make our brains better are getting to be a thing."
"'Green' restaurants and mini-farms in grocery stores? Sick!"
"In March, the skies are gonna be lit! Mercury hovers low in the west ... "
"Woke employers now allow paid paternity leave for pet owners ... "
"Forget those large McMansions. It's the tiny houses that give all the feels."
"Folks are gettin' turnt with these children's game-based workouts!"
But perhaps I'm being paranoid. Short of sleeping with it under my pillow, I'll continue to treasure the 'Nac as one of life's oldies but goodies.
Wait, what's this ad say in the back? "Not your grandma's pain relief"?
Noooo!
Check for the best days and moon phases to email:
hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style on 09/09/2018