WHAT'S IN A DAME: Deli thief admits to ham habit

We all know bean counters -- those penny-pinching suits charged with saving businesses money.

Now meet the ham counters.

The Columbus Dispatch printed an irresistibly meaty story about an Ohio food crime last week that the Internet had a swine time with because it was nothing short of ham-azing.

A grocery store employee with a taste for ham and salami is facing felony theft charges after she was accused of stealing ... deli meat from the Giant Eagle, 11031 State Route 212 NE in Lawrence Township.

The eight-year employee admitted the theft Friday, according to Tuscarawas County Sheriff's Deputy Brian Hale.

The Giant Eagle loss prevention manager received a tip that the employee had been nibbling on the meat at the deli, eating about three to five slices of ham nearly every day over a space of eight years, Hale said. She occasionally ate salami.

No name or other identifying information was given about the hungry employee, who we are going to call Hamanda. But we know this much about the worker with the penchant for non-Kosher pork, Hamanda is probably not Jewish (a shalom-filled shout-out to those observing Yom Kippur today, beginning at sundown). She's perhaps doing keto. And she surely had a case of literal sausage fingers; deli meat is so salty.

At least we know Hamanda was agreeable. According to the story, "she was very cooperative," the deputy said. Probably because she wasn't hangry.

It's no big deal, you're surely thinking. Employees "borrow" workplace things from time to time. But before you stop reading to go fill out the crossword with one of those poached office pens, consider the ham-ount of money involved.

The loss prevention manager calculated that the ham that had been eaten was worth about $9,200, Hale said. Because of the high dollar amount, the woman has been charged with felony theft.

Wait, more than $9,000 of ham?! Woo, pig! God bless hAm-erica!

Some of the better tweets about this so-called "#hamburglar":

"Hasn't their digestive tract already paid the price?"

"That's baloney!"

"Not all heroes wear capes. Making up for wage theft and benefit cuts one piece of ham at a time."

"Let it go ... with all the sodium in deli meat she probably trashed her kidneys."

"She ate 3-5 pieces of ham a day and 'occasionally ate salami.' Who among you can cast the first slice?"

"If the employee scans their [loyalty] card, it will bring it down to $86.78."

Speaking of loyalty, it's worth pointing out again this woman worked there eight long years in a business full of turnover. It's "snout" as if this just started. One wonders, if pilfering pork was such a problem, why didn't they put her out to pasture years earlier?

But to see if this is just hogwash, let's do the math for ourselves on a company notepad -- one that I'm just using for now, OK? I won't wander off with it, all right?

We don't have Giant Eagle in Little Rock, so I called the Kroger closest to my house to inquire about ham prices. The nice woman who answered the deli line said the store's ham costs between $8.99 and $10.79 per pound. It's difficult to say how many slices amount to a pound because that depends on thickness, but she estimated a pound contains somewhere between 12 and 18 slices.

At that price, ham would be 50 cents to 90 cents a slice.

But if Hamanda had three slices of ham per day for 2,920 straight (that's eight times 365 days a year, no holidays included and ignoring the existence of leap years), that would certainly add up -- but "sow" did they get $9,200? It would cost $4,380 to $7,884 by our calculations.

Besides, surely on some days, this little piggy went to market, and on others, this little piggy stayed home. And on some days, this little piggy had ham, and on others, this little piggy had none.

It would seem the real criminal here is Giant Eagle -- for charging too much and therefore emptying customers' piggy banks.

As for Hamanda, we imagine her ham obsession might finally now be "cured."

I'm in hog heaven when you email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.

Style on 09/18/2018

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