It's the New Year, which means I'm going to have to join the rest of the world in coming up
with some resolutions, the keeping of which will make me into the wonderful, charming, successful, fit, learned person I was always meant to be. Or someone like that.
So, Resolution No. 1 (because just one thing isn't going to be enough to accomplish all that wonderful, charming, successful, fit, learned stuff. But will probably be one more than I actually get done) is "be more productive and stop wasting time."
Wow, that's a good one. Need to write that down. "Be more productive and stop wasting time." Except, my pen isn't working. I'll have to get one out of my wife's home office. Man, she's got a bunch. And the tips are all exposed, so the ink is going to dry. Better retract everyone one of them. And all her paper clips are mixed up. I'll sort them for her. She'll be so happy.
There, that's done. Now, what was I doing? Oh, yeah, New Year's resolution to be more productive and not waste time. Need to write that down. Except I've just walked through the kitchen and there are dirty dishes in the sink. Better put them in the dishwasher. Hold on, there are dishes in there. Have to unload it. Wait, are these dirty or clean? There's another New Year's resolution: Always know if things are dirty or clean. Would apply to so much in life.
Man, we have a lot of coffee cups. Another resolution: Mention that to the Lovely Mrs. Smith. Hmm ... one more resolution: Examine the wisdom of picking pointless fights. Also, Google "hills you're willing to die on." While you're at it, and since the search engine is actually mental popcorn, Google "Iwo Jima." Google, "how old is Clint Eastwood?" Google "how old would John Wayne be?" Google "best John Wayne movies." Hey, Rio Bravo and El Dorado are the same movie. Wait, ALL John Wayne movies are the same movie!
Now, where was I? Oh, right. No wasting time. Back to my list. Except the TV is on and there's a bowl game sponsored by a product I don't recognize, being played by two teams I was pretty sure had dropped the sport. Gotta watch this. And develop a rooting interest.
But its football, so I have to have a frosty adult beverage. Out to the beer fridge. OK, I'm going to have to defrost this at some point. Make a note on my phone. Google "iceberg." Google "lettuce recall." Google "Total Recall" because, well, actually I have no idea. It just came to mind. Back to being more productive and not wasting time.
OK, so I'm in my chair, pen and paper in hand, ready to write down Resolution No. 1: "Be more productive and stop Wasting Time." Except I just dropped the pen between the cushion and the arm. Man, a lot of stuff down here. Better get the vacuum.
Now what I really need is one of those thin attachments that will allow you to get into tight places. Like the place I'm going to be in when the Lovely Mrs. Smith gets home and finds all the cushions on the floor and an ink stain growing on one of the chairs.
Need to go online and order that attachment, which will arrive just in time for someone to steal it off the porch. Google "is an alligator an effective home security system?" Nah, better go with one of those doorbell-camera deals. That way I can watch the package getting stolen. And the neighborhood pets are relatively safe.
Meanwhile, our Christmas tree remains standing, with all the decorations on it. That really needs to come down. And I'll do it. Later. Too busy right now.
From the looks of things, I'm barely into the New Year and have already failed miserably, not only at my resolution, but at even officially declaring what my resolution is. But I think maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Because, in the space of an afternoon, I've done some chores, helped my wife out and not pursued something disastrous like buying an alligator. I mean, sometimes the best deals are the ones you walk away from. Quickly, but without showing fear or turning your back. Wait, that's bears. Well, perhaps the same difference.
And the point of all this is, perhaps my resolution shouldn't revolve around me being anything different, but just "be." Enjoy family, enjoy life, retract the pens and root for a directional Louisiana school if you feel like it. Just ... be.
Speaking of that, Google "beekeeping." That sounds fun. Google "how to determine if you're allergic to bee stings before you pass out."
Commentary on 01/04/2019