Puberty leads to all sorts of interesting phenomena.
A darling daughter's interests might turn from Shopkins grocery-themed toys to 'shipping (short for relationshipping), and her gaggle of giggling girlfriends might mash her name with that of some boy, just like Brangelina, Kimye and Bennifer.
A sporty son who had not heretofore been a willing participant in regular showers may suddenly take up residence in the bathroom and fret over misplacing the mysterious scrunchie hair tie that he had come home wearing. The scrunchie means he's been "claimed" by a teenage girl and that he likes her back.
Experts advise parents to remain calm. These are all signs of young love — or at least like — and they are a normal progression in human development.
Still, they wrangle with decisions about how to help their kids navigate this new territory.
Decisions about when 'tweens and teens should be allowed to go on dates are subjective, depending on family dynamics and the personality and maturity or responsibility level of each child.
Heather Chapman-Henry of Little Rock is a licensed certified social worker and registered play therapist and the parent of two girls, ages 11 and 15.
Chapman-Henry says group dates are probably best for the younger set. Parents can feel better about there being safety in numbers, and it can be a more relaxed setting for teenagers, too.
"That way you're not as nervous about conversation and you can kind of get a feel for how that person interacts with other people, you know, you're kind of getting a fuller sense of that person's personality because they're interacting with other people," she says. "And there's not as much pressure on the two of you to kind of just keep the date going."
Group dates also help ensure that 'tweens and teens keep some balance in their lives, as opposed to spending all their time and energy on their new romantic interest.
"Going out in groups is a great idea when you're this age because then you can hang out with your friends and your boyfriend, too," says Chapman-Henry, whose clients occasionally push back at this advice, leading her to ask more questions. "Sometimes they'll be like, 'But my friends don't really like him.' So I'll say, 'What don't they like about him?' And then again, you can sort of hear what the relationship is like, are the friends just jealous of the time you spend with him? Or is there something that is more of a red flag."
Unless there are red flags, though, she cautions against creating star-crossed love.
"Nine times out of 10 the kid will gravitate more toward the person that's forbidden," she says. "It's like the forbidden fruit. The kid will want to be with that person even more after the parents have been like, 'Forget it.'"
Parents will have a better chance at heading off trouble if they maintain open communication with their children, giving them an opportunity to, without much fanfare, state the obvious: that a new boyfriend doesn't seem to care as much about school as a daughter does, for example, followed by a gentle suggestion that the daughter consider whether their values and goals are aligned.
"Usually those relationships will break up," Chapman-Henry says. "And that's a relief for parents to hear."
Emily Brady of Little Rock, the mother of five children — including two teenagers — was raised in a strict Catholic household and didn't feel comfortable talking with her mother about concerns that might land her in hot water. Though she is rigid about some parenting concerns she has taken steps to show her own children they can talk to her without worrying about consequences.
"I wanted them to not be afraid to come to me because, whether I like it or not, they're faced on a daily basis with the talks of sex and making choices that they may or may not be ready or mature enough for," she says. "I wanted them to know that they could approach me without consequences, and I started that when they were 10 or 11."
She gave them a code they can text to her if they get into a situation they need to get out of. If she gets that code, she will immediately call them and say there is a family emergency and she is picking them up.
Her children used the code a couple of times, and on one of those occasions, once home safe told her what had happened.
"One of the times my daughter didn't tell me what had happened, and I was curious. But I didn't ask," Brady says. "I was just glad she got herself out of the situation."
PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP MATTERS
Kevin Shelby, assistant professor of counseling at Harding University in Searcy as well as a licensed professional counselor with Renew Christian Counseling in Memphis, says parents examining their children's dating behavior should first examine their own relationships.
"The most important relationship is the relationship the parents have with one another and they're reflecting to their kids. I think that kids develop a sense of what's appropriate in a relationship and what's not based on what they see happen between their parents," Shelby says. "Now, that doesn't mean that if a kid gets in a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and it's a bad situation that the parents have a bad relationship. I just think that's the first place where you can have a pretty profound influence on what your kids choose in a partner."
Shelby says parents owe it to their children to work on their marriages, and if they are divorced, to make every effort to co-parent appropriately.
Little Rock therapist Becky Whetstone, likewise, suggests family therapy before individual therapy for teens when parents perceive a behavior problem.
"I have people bring in the whole family so I can address each family member one at a time and not be going, hey, there's something wrong with you. Usually if there's something wrong with a teen, it's other discord in the family, and the kid is having an emotional reaction to dysfunctional family issues," she says.
While the teenage dating scene might seem daunting to parents, Whetstone reminds that they are supposed to have spent years leading up to the teenage stage teaching their children to be independent beings. There have to be rules in place to protect them as they continue to grow, but attempting to absolutely control whether or not their teenagers make any bad decisions, including having sex, "is a fool's errand."
"In the teen years, you are letting them learn through their mistakes and guiding them when they're open to it," she says.
The key is to be there to continue guiding — before and after those mistakes, trusting them to act responsibly within established family rules as they learn.
BEING TOO STRICT CAN BACKFIRE
LaQuinda Toney, counselor at McGehee High School and the parent of three children, has seen students whose parents "locked it all down," forbidding any social freedoms for their kids.
"Usually those are the ones who want to go off, far away, to college," she says. "They don't want to be anywhere nearby because they want their freedom. Usually when they go, one of two things happens: They become super wild or they just don't have any responsibility and they end up failing because they're partying too much because they don't understand that they can hang out and do their work because they never learned that balance."
Toney says that parents need to do everything in their power to keep the lines of communication open.
When she was a teenager "there was a bit of naivety that we still had, that today's kids don't have. We were confused but everybody was confused. There was a lack of information but not as much misinformation."
Students often reveal to her that rather than taking their questions to an adult, they went to the internet, finding not-so-accurate answers that they took as fact on social media. She knows some parents are reluctant to broach uncomfortable topics.
"But you pick your poison. It's better for them to get information from you than for them to believe what their friends say or believe what social media says," Toney says. "Have those frank conversations. And I think it's important for parents to listen, without jumping to judgment or being quick to punish. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and listen and let them know they can talk to you about it, even when you want to scream or stop them and say, 'Oh, no, I know you didn't do that.' Sometimes you just have to hold that in just so they know it's a safe place to come and express themselves."
She tells her students that dating does not constitute a permanent relationship and that if they decide the person they are seeing is not someone they want to be in a relationship with, it's OK to walk away.
"I tell them not every relationship should be treated like this is going to be forever ... . Sometimes these things are just practice with for what is to come and you're learning something in each one," she says. "I encourage them to be upfront and completely honest and not disrespectful, but don't neglect your own welfare for the feelings of others."
Learning how to end a relationship is just as important as learning how to start one, she points out.
"If you want to walk away but don't because that's not what they want when you're at a young age, it tends to be harder to walk away from it later in life," she says. "If you learn to be the type of person who says, 'Hey, I like you, but this doesn't work for me, and be OK with walking away, that's the best thing."
Parents need to be aware of how their innocuous, seemingly supportive, input can influence their children's decisions to stay in relationships as well.
"Some parents honestly make things worse. I've seen situations where parents kind of force the kids to be together almost like, 'Oh, y'all are so cute together,'" she says. "I think the parents can add extra pressures."
Brandon Bates, director of Youth Ministry at First United Methodist Church in Little Rock, says parents need to remember that even though teenage romance is often fleeting, to their children it is real and important.
"Even though the parents may think that it's puppy love, it's still a real thing for adolescents and therefore parents should take it seriously," he says.
Likewise, a breakup may not seem like a big deal to parents but may feel like a tragedy to a teenager.
"They're figuring out who they are, even though I don't think they will fully figure that out until their 20s when their brains are fully developed, but often they are identifying that significant other as part of their identity, and when it gets separated they feel like they're losing a part of themselves in a way," Bates says. "They kind of feel potentially like they're lost. They don't know who they are anymore."
As with all the other stages of parenting, though, this one will come and go. It can occasionally be harrowing but it can also be fun, seeing them grow from tiny babies to full-size adults with all the responsibilities and interesting personalities that come along with that. There is professional help available when they need it, and talking with their teens — and with other parents — along the way can help them crack codes and monitor the latest trends.
"I feel like the more my kids go through, the more I realize that we don't know what to do as parents," says Chapman-Henry, "and that we're going to need all the help we can get from each other."
Style on 02/18/2020