We Southern dwellers are known for our colloquialisms ... our way of speaking that sets us apart from everybody else, bless their hearts.
After seeing (or was it hearing?) the word "unprecedented" for the millionth time time in reference to the novel coronavirus that has taken over the world, let alone the South, my mind began to play tricks on me. It began to blend Southern lingo with covid-19 related matters in a most peculiar case of ... wait for it ... covid fatigue.
As a catharsis, I thought I'd share exactly what's been swirling around in my head. (Not to make light of the seriousness of covid-19 and its consequences. But even under these circumstances, laughter is good medicine.)
A SOUTHERN COVID-19 GLOSSARY
Bless Your Heart: Said (or muttered) by polite mask wearers when observing nonmask wearers, sometimes vice versa; also said by polite Southerners as they view social-media memes of people supposedly wearing underwear as masks.
Cattywampus: An apt description of all the things making us say, "What in the Sam Hill?" (whose definition can be found farther down in this glossary).
Fixin' to: Said in reference to a business that's about to temporarily close, or reopen after being temporarily closed: "Hey, I heard Bud's is fixin' to reopen, now that the staffer they thought was sick tested negative."
Full as a Tick: What one is after multiple breakfasts, dinners, suppers and snacks eaten in one day while working from home.
Goodness Gracious: Said when one sees people fighting over mask-wearing. Also said when one sees pictures of underwear masks.
I declare: A phrase that ends with "... this year to be a total bust!" (Confession: I've only heard this phrase used by actors playing Southerners in movies. But let's roll with it.)
If the Creek Don't Rise (Usually used in conjunction with "If the Good Lord's Willin'"): How one prefaces a strong intention to get chores, errands and/or work-from-home projects done before losing oneself in Netflix and Hulu binge-watchin'.
If I Had My Druthers: This phrases is to be followed by the things one would be doing if pandemic-related restrictions weren't in place: "If I had my druthers, I'd be partyin' cheek-to-cheek with about 2,000 other folk in a big ol' house-music nightclub in Ibiza."
Madder Than a Wet Hen: Refers to one's mama, aunt, sister or other female relative when she goes to the store and finds that cleaning items have sold out due to panic buying. Can be adapted to "Madder than a wet rooster" if it is one's male relative, who hates to shop anyway, being sent for supplies now gone from store shelves.
Over Yonder: Where one tells Dude to go stand when he gets too close in the store checkout line, which is clearly marked in six-foot distance intervals: "Get yo' tail away from me and go stand over yonder!"
What in the Sam Hill?: A reaction to all covid-19 related news headlines this year. Can be extended to apply to all 2020 political, social, business/financial, educational, relational, natural disaster and noncovid-19 health news.
Meanwhile, a few pandemic-related words and phrases that can be adapted for Southern conversation:
Asymptomatic: An accidentally-on-purpose mispronunciation of the word "unsympathetic": "Look, you can't be asymptomatic to all the hardship people are going through right now!"
Contact tracing: A new form of romantic talk among quarantining couples.
Flatten the curve: Referring to the weight one needs to lose after staying full as a tick from all that snacking while stuck at home: "My belly's done got too big. I need to start working out and eating keto to flatten the curve!"
Herd Immunity: The renegade assumption that gathering, maskless, in big groups actually makes people immune: "See, we're all in a big herd here at Lake of the Ozarks. We've got herd immunity!"
Immunocompromised: An impaired or weakened tolerance for those household members with whom one has had to quarantine for far too long.
PPE: P* Poor Era. What this year can best be described as, hands down.
Stay at Home: The punchline of various jokes used to express exasperation or frustration, such as, "Heyyy, I know the perfect way we can celebrate your birthday ... !"
Last but certainly not least, I bring you the term Unprecedented. This term is now used anytime somebody tries a stunt they've never tried before ... usually after stating, "Hold my beer and watch this!"
- Email: Notes one sends electronically:
- hwilliams@adgnewsroom.com