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I was prepared last week to hie to my bunker once all hell broke loose.

But July 4 came and went with nary a hint of actual war. Dang it, Alex Jones swore Democrats would be declaring the Second Civil War. Does that mean we can't trust him?

If it took you till now to figure out Jones isn't exactly a font of reality-based news, I can't help you. But the answer is no, we can't trust him.

Jones, if you forgot, is probably most famous for his spreading of conspiracy theories (or, as his attorney in his child-custody case last year said, ahem, performance art), such as Pizzagate (child sex trafficking in the basement of a pizzeria that has no basement) and the numerous "false flag" school shootings (those people were actors, by God; it didn't really happen!!!). Little wonder so many lawsuits and complaints have been filed against him.

While actual conspiracies do exist (the Ridolfi, Throckmorton and Babington plots to kill Queen Elizabeth I come to mind), they're rarely as convoluted or require as many participants as the ones Jones and his ilk advance.

But I can't say I'm too disappointed in the whole Second Civil War nonsense ... at least it resulted in comedy gold. Mockery of ludicrous conspiracy theories can do that.

The Internet, and the Twitter community in particular, almost seemed to rub its hands in glee at the prospect of group storytime.

Amanda Blount tweeted: "My Dear John, The war isn't going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I'm out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. All is lost."

The Biebs? Really? Life is just not fair. Regardless, Blount's tweet inspired others to compose their own mock letters. Soon, #SecondCivilWar and #SecondCivilWarLetters started trending. The messages were largely light and humorous, sometimes dipping into the political, but not usually.

"To My Nieces and Nephews," @DearAuntCrabby posted, "The #SecondCivilWar rages on and I have finally taken the Jack Daniel's Distillery. I will not rest until each keg has been personally inspected for weapons. My sacrifice is for you. Be strong.

"P.S. Please send soda water."

Natalie Lanoville wrote: "News ... from the front is mixed. I and my men were starving, out of ammo, and trapped in enemy territory. Miraculously, we were taken in by the Hipster Division. So much avocado toast ..."

Those letters and others were amusing enough, but some people took it upon themselves to organize a potluck (everybody loves a good potluck), and besides, it was the Fourth of July! You can't have the Fourth without barbecue and its accoutrements.

As is inevitable with potlucks, someone brought something no one wanted. "The days have been long and the lines for the bathrooms even longer," wrote @oufenix. "They've begun checking IDs to make sure our genitals match the symbols on the doors. Someone brought potato salad--with raisins."

That should be a capital offense ... what a waste of good potatoes. I'm hoping it wasn't Kathryn J. Mullee, who tweeted: "I'm so disappointed in this #secondcivilwar. I made enough potato salad for 35 million people."

As if all that weren't enough, within a couple of days rumors started of a Democratic coup planned as part of immigration protests. Either that's wrong, or these people have full-time event planners on their staff and a lot of excess time and energy. Many Second Civil War vets echoed @ProudVirginian, who tweeted: "OK fine, but I'm not putting on that civil war uniform again. It was too hot and the belt didn't match. I'm wearing my shorts for coup. Also, I'm going to sleep in a bit, so let's start the coup at around noon."

If you plan to participate, keep your sense of humor in working order. You'll need it. And I think they have potato salad covered.

Not all conspiracy theories are so easily mocked as the Second Civil War, especially when very real people die. In the case of the Capital Gazette in Annapolis, Md., late last month, it only took a few hours for the trolls to show up with their "false flag" theories. Lord knows we can't have a mass shooting without conspiracy theories. Focus on the victims and making sure justice is done? Nah!

One Redditor, reported Andy Campbell at the Huffington Post, proclaimed: "Right on cue. The left must have realized the damage Rosenstein was doing on live TV." Because apparently the left needs to divert attention from Republican Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein being grilled about the Russia investigation ... and being talked over nearly the entire time. (But hey, maybe the representative didn't understand the concept of questions and answers.)

Other theories included that the alleged gunman was being mind-controlled by the CIA or the Freemasons, or was part of a plot to frame Trump supporters.

Activist/conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer tweeted the day of the shooting that it was awfully convenient for Democrats in light of Maxine Waters and Rosenstein, later tweeting, "Civil war is here."

Nope, Ms. Loomer, it's not. Which is why there is so much leftover potato salad right now.


Assistant Editor Brenda Looper is editor of the Voices page. Read her blog at Email her at

Editorial on 07/11/2018

Print Headline: What war?

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  • BoudinMan
    July 11, 2018 at 8:38 a.m.

    A certain segment of our society seems a little too prone to falling victim to these conspiracy theories. Maybe they need these fantastic stories to support their claims of victimhood. As in, "I knew Obama wasn't a real American." Or, "Obama is getting ready to invade Texas." I really don't understand it too well. It just seems like the more uneducated, uninformed, or reliant on one avenue of information a person is, the more likely he is to believe in these conspiracies. And I'm trying to be gentle about it.

  • GeneralMac
    July 11, 2018 at 8:55 a.m.

    The most gullible uninformed were those Black legislatures who believed the lie........" he was shot while he had his hands up " ( Ferguson MO )

    To see the above all fall for that HOAX tells me Blacks, also, are gullible for conspiracy theories started by LIARS .

    July 11, 2018 at 8:56 a.m.

    I'm sure we have our share of Alex Jones fans right here at AO.

    I'd name names, but anybody with two functioning synapses knows who they are.

  • LRCrookAtty
    July 11, 2018 at 10:54 a.m.

    ARMNAR...I completely agree with this comment. I have seen both sides of the aisle spreading innuendo and rumor (basically lies), forever. When the debate really gets heated is when you see the ugly head of "conspiracy" popping up from either side of the aisle.

    July 11, 2018 at 11:35 a.m.

    Who are the left's equivalents of Alex Jones, InfoWars and Zerohedge?

  • mrcharles
    July 11, 2018 at 11:39 a.m.

    Jones meant it was going to come, his statements were just metaphorical of the coming battle in the plains outside megido.

    The prophet sea bass knew this before it was known by stating his kind has lots of weapons and stand ready to use them against the non-right [think this means minorities too] . Like the kind of patriots that showed up at the bundy incident ready to shoot the guberment gestapo [ would add this seems at odds with their analysis of the left and the minorities, that they should obey the officers and obey the law- oh well we know the drill !] .

    We know of precedent to be vigilant. Remember the invasion of texas by USA troops that necessitated concern by gov of texas that it might have to call out the texas guard , not just to watch this possibly northern army, but to protect texas from being taken over by the negro leader in DC. Then there reports of soros buying up all ammunition so that sea bass types could not use their deer rifles.

    My main question is this war whose side will the deity be on?

    Please ignore the statement by Jones [ notice his name is close to jonah, the bible prophet?] , as he has mentioned he mainly spouts BS like fox entertainment out to those who live in a bubble.

    LRCA, is lies like what bill o' liely made a habit of when he was not doing what was a climate at fox with their objects of grabbing?

  • 23cal
    July 11, 2018 at 12:27 p.m.

    We took Mar-A-Lago today. I got a bad tiki torch burn on my arm, but good news: the RedHats left behind a batch of Covfefe as they fled. Tonight, we feast on the cakes they refused to bake for gay people. All my love.#secondcivilwarletters
    Oh Mama, do not worry, we are well hidden in the Barnes & Noble as we await our orders from General Obama - The MAGA brigade is unaware of the bookstore’s existence. We sit and slurp our covfefe behind a section of dictionaries, our second line of defense. #SecondCivilWarLetters
    Dear Paw,
    Today I came upon a most gruesome scene. Two men in MAGA hats lay on the ground bleeding to death as they shot each other thinking the other was the bad guy with a gun. Their general stood by and offered them his thoughts and prayers. #SecondCivilWarLetters
    My Dearest,
    I am not well, the MAGA disease has swept through the camp, turning men against one another. The Red Hats are carrying Tiki torches at the Battle of Covfefe and I fear this will be more brutal than the Bowling Green Massacre.
    Pray for me.
    BREAKING NEWS . . . Alex Jones announces trump will not be participating in the Democrats' Civil War tomorrow due to recurrence of bone spurs!

  • carpenterretired
    July 11, 2018 at 1:36 p.m.

    Wonder if by chance Alex Jones is related to Jim Jones as they seem to have had the same ability to mesmerize the most gullible uninformed fools.

  • LRCrookAtty
    July 11, 2018 at 2:29 p.m.

    Arm..Just to start...ACORN!

  • LRCrookAtty
    July 11, 2018 at 2:34 p.m.

    Yes...MrC...lies like what bill o' liely...and worse! The lies about "dog-whistles" and race baiting. And as you say, many undereducated idiots in America that get their news from FaceBook and the likes. They don't have the ability to actually search and see if anything they are reading is true. Nor do they care if it is true. The one I like is that "Hillary will sign a Treaty on Human Rights, which in turn will make the death penalty illegal and override the 2nd Amendment!"