Every year there is a cliche pop culture Halloween costume.
In 2007, it was Paris Hilton in prison. In 2008, it was Sarah Palin. In 2009, it was Kate Gosselin and company. In 2010, Jersey Shore-style Bumpits and bogus tans were The Situation. In 2011, tiger's-blood-swilling high priest Vatican warlock assassins were "Winning!" -- thanks to Charlie Sheen.
In 2012 we "redneckognized" many Halloweeners going as the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo bunch. In 2013, lots of trick-or-treaters were getting their ducks in a row to be the camouflage-clad, bushy-bearded good ol' boys of A&E's Duck Dynasty. In 2014, Frozen was cool and no one could "Let It Go." In 2015, it was tacky tie, between the Caitlyn Jenner ensemble, complete with Vanity Fair-esque bustier, and the Killer Dentist Costume, complete with a blood-stained jacket and Cecil the Lion's head. In 2016, the costume was the clown, thanks to all the creepy supposed sightings around the country. We were over it, long before the movie It was released.
Last year's costume was the Make America Great Again hat -- also known as rapper Kanye West's current everyday outfit. At least, that is, when Kanye's not dressed as a Perrier bottle like he was on SNL. Expect that to be one of this year's cliche costumes, tied with the characters of Fortnite.
We think we can do better. Oh, wait, Halloween is on a Wednesday? We think we'll be doing the Texas two step with the couch and The Real Housewives of Dallas. But we think you can do better.
Here are some ideas:
What you need: A crown. A redhead for a date. A positive pregnancy test. A mostly flat stomach under a designer bodycon dress.
Who you are: Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle. Bonus points if your costume includes a father who backs out of festivities at the last minute and/or a creepy, mouthy half-sister to stalk you.
What you need: No date. A really long ponytail. A pet pig. Tall boots. A Band-Aid covering the ring finger tattoo where your lover's name used to be. Fake eyelashes that are falling off and mascara running from bawling.
Who you are: A-list singer Ariana Grande after the fizzling of her odd, quickie engagement to Pete Davidson -- wait, who? Oh yeah, that guy on SNL who rarely appeared in sketches before dating her. We suspect that he's the one who's really crying though.
What you need: Ice skates. Sequins. Smokes. A potty mouth.
Who you are: Tonya Harding, the subject of the bio-pic I, Tonya. Optional: A posse includes a Jeff Gillooly, a guy with a police baton and a Nancy Kerrigan.
What you need: A black catsuit with a red belt. A Wilson Blade 104 racket. Hair in a bun. Long nails. Extra credit: a baby.
Who you are: Tennis player Serena Williams in an outfit that the French Tennis Federation didn't "love."
What you need: A family. Total silence. Terrified expressions.
Who you are: The cast of A Quiet Place.
What you need: To make a visit to Burger King and order their new limited-time-only novelty Nightmare King sandwich that features flame-grilled beef, a crispy chicken filet, American cheese, bacon, mayonnaise and onions on a green (!) sesame seed bun (available now through Nov. 1). Then stop to eat it: south of I-630 on the roadway between S. Cedar Street and Lewis Street/Bishop Warren Drive.
What you are: Nightmare on Elm Street.
What you need: To just stay home.
Who you are: You are any celebrity that's incarcerated right now, pick one: perhaps Suge Knight, or maybe Joe Giudice (of The Real Housewives of New Jersey ... or possibly of Italy, if he gets deported to his native country when released).
Unless you just stay home and -- oops -- forget to unplug your slow cooker. And then you are Jack from This Is Us.
This is email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.
Style on 10/23/2018