DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I have a mutual friend who was pregnant with her first child. We had planned to give her a congratulatory card with a monetary gift, but she miscarried and lost the baby after 37 weeks. After hearing the news from one of her co-workers, we held off saying anything. The news, I believe, was not to be made public so we didn't want to bring it up first.
Since then, she has said nothing. Do we volunteer our sympathy or leave her to cope with this horrible event in her own way?
-- What to Do?
DEAR READER: Oh what terrible news.
A baby's death after 37 weeks is a stillbirth, not a miscarriage -- involving so many more hopes, and so much more devastation.
So, no, never "leave" people "to cope" with such a loss unless they ask you, directly or through a friend, for privacy as they grieve. Even then, remain arm's-length attentive -- and send a sympathy note without exception, because that shows you care without imposing any obligation for a response.
For the future: "I believe" is not a valid basis for decision-making on how to respond to a death. This was your friend's baby. If you suspect someone wants to be left alone, then make sure at a minimum you confirm your suspicion with this friend or with someone closer to her than you are -- some reliable source -- before you take any (in)action.
And while I will fight for anyone's right to keep something private, a visible, openly discussed pregnancy that ends without someone coming home with a baby is something you can piece together without having to be told -- so you can reasonably show your compassion without breaking anyone's vow of silence.
DEAR CAROLYN: My wedding is in June. My soon-to-be wife asked her two sisters to stand with her as bridesmaids.
Now, my fiancee is troubled because both of her sisters can't stand for long. Additionally, one sister is asking for special favors, wanting to wear long sleeves because she is fat. This sister is also requesting flat heels and my fiancee wants the bridesmaids to wear high heels.
Unfortunately, my fiancee doesn't know how to tell each of them she doesn't want them in the wedding as bridesmaids now because of their health problems.
I suggested she call and simply tell them why. My fiancee thinks having someone escort the sisters to the front row of the ceremony and have them sit will be appropriate.
-- J.
DEAR READER: "I'm so vain." That's how she tells them.
How will this soon-to-be wife treat you if you develop health problems? Or treat a child who does, should your future bring one?
That's what would keep me up at night, if I were you. Cold-sweating.
The bridesmaid answer is to say yes to sleeves and flats, no to shaming, and yes to seating all attendants during the ceremony. It's not hard.
Which is why the fact of the question is so terrifying. To your fiancee, her loved ones are either ornamental or disposable. Wow. Underscore that "wow" if her attitude's fine by you.
Never doubt: If she can excuse treating people like this, in this context, then she can find other ways that serve her interests to do the same thing to you.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email
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Style on 04/02/2019