What's your poison? On the rocks? Do you want any junk in it? Maybe a splash of water? No, we wouldn't hold it against you if you took it straight. You've been through a lot. We'll make it a double.
You deserve a drink. And a nice retirement.
Please, sit down, take a load off. And a load off your mind, too. In a few hours, you'll have no more responsibility for the world. You will have a nice spot on the porch, with your rocking chair, and you can let others do the work.
A bean bag? Well, we can perhaps scrape one up. But you'll have trouble getting out of it. A rocking chair might be better on your knees and hips.
Why not take a nice long nap first, then decide?
All years have their ups and downs--that's the nature of the job. And we gotta tell ya, Mr. 2019, you've been better than most.
No, really! Sure, impeachments don't happen every year, but doesn't it seem like the latest one is less history than farce? We get the feeling nobody is going to tie you to it. It seems the year of this impeachment will go down as an oft-missed trivia question. Along with the names of most of the people running Washington.
You'll note that 1942 and 1968 both went out in a fit of depression. Both thought the world was done for. And 2001, my goodness. That one wept all the way to the retirement home.
But not even good historians know what historians will say about 2019 A.D.
Not yet. Historians need the perspective that time gives. We can certainly say, at this point, what 1929 wrought. And 1861. We can certainly say that 1994, 1995 and 1996 were the good old days. But it took years to make those verdicts. It will take years more to weigh you.
You seem to be focused on the bad. Which is normal, actually. Many years walk into retirement thinking they'll join the Thirties or Forties, when they might just end up with more in common with the Fifties. Yes, you had an impeachment. You also had Nancy Pelosi, Shep Smith, Robert Mueller, Jussie Smollett, Julian Assange (again), AOC, Theresa May, Boris Johnson, the NOLA No-Call, and a storm named Dorian. Not to mention the Notre Dame fire. If young Master 2020 can get by without problems with war, weather and politicians, he'll have it made. But don't hold your breath.
But look on the bright side, Mr. 2019--may we call you '19?--you also had Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor (and all the other babies born this year), a great summer and fall for movies, a new NAFTA, fewer tariffs, more vaping regs, and Julian Assange made the news only after he was arrested. Not only that, but goodness, you had maybe the best World Series in the history of World Series. Do you realize the visiting team won every single game in that series? Oh, yeah, Tiger's back. Makes you long for the spring, no?
Last year, Burger King began selling burgers without the burger meat. And people are buying it. The folks running the National Pollinator Garden Network got over a million people to create bee habitats. Mankind made the first dent in that thing called the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The humpback whale has rebounded from the brink. Alabama didn't make the college football playoffs. Everything's coming up roses.
When you get alone with 2006, make sure to say something about the stock market. He loves to brag that he oversaw a market that went all the way up to 12,000. He never fails to work that into conversation. Tell him about yours.
Think of all those who were born in 2019: Poets, presidents, writers, readers, athletes, scientists, teachers, students. Think about that child playing with his mushed peas this evening. One day he'll be a doctor healing the sick. Or a minister healing the sick of heart. Or a medical researcher eliminating sickness itself. Aren't you proud?
Also, you weren't an election year. The young fella who'll be here tomorrow will have to deal with all of that.
There's that smile.
We'll get you another double. You just relax. We know you're tired.
You're probably as tired of all the bloodshed around the world, and here in Arkansas, as we are. And the unexpected plot twists, and plots, in politics. So let somebody with a stronger back take it from here. Your replacement has already been chosen and given the job. Tomorrow, we'll catch him up on all the details. He's got his work cut out for him, poor little fella.
You just take it easy and rest. You've done plenty already.
We'll tell you how you really did in, say, about 2049.
But we get the feeling that, for most, you'll be remembered fondly.
Editorial on 12/31/2019