WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Steak has to 'sizzle' to be sold

Democrat-Gazette illustration/CELIA STOREY
Democrat-Gazette illustration/CELIA STOREY

I love dining out, and finding menu curiosities adds to the enjoyment.

For a change, I'm not talking about the eternal misuse of apostrophes or frightening typos. Select menu words and phrases offer plenty of amusement.

A lot of thought goes into a menu, as it should. Some words are meant to entice, others to impress. Still others are to set a tone.

Some restaurants try to avoid the word "fried." Others try to soften it by calling the preparation "golden fried."

Items that are "hand-breaded" or "hand-battered" suggest that a kitchen person is providing personal attention to your food. I have never seen a menu say, "foot-battered." Toes are just not as handy in the kitchen.

I laugh when I see "mushroom burger." I think most people would say a burger involves chopped meat. Why not just say it's a mushroom sandwich? Mushroom "stack" would sound trendy, too. One Virginia restaurant goes a step further, calling it a mushroom "steak." That mushroom must have one incredible pedigree.

Cheese is a key ingredient in many dishes. Because of this, you will see "melty," "gooey" and "cheesy." I don't know when "melted" became "melty." "Gooey" may appeal to kids. "Cheesy" makes me think of "tacky."

Bread is "crusty." Appetizers are "crispy." Salad dressing and marinades offer the "perfect blend." You probably wouldn't order soggy bread or rubbery appetizers. I don't believe the world has yet found the perfect blend of anything.

"Fresh" is another popular adjective, either for seafood or garlic or bread.

Imagine asking for "leftover" layer cake.

Doesn't this note on a soup restaurant menu make you feel warm?

All soup comes with a hearty piece of fresh bread or a large sack of our signature oysterettes.

A chef who would expend the effort to create signature oyster crackers intrigues me.

Sure, you might want to know with what method your food items are cooked. Maybe it's soothing to know whether your meal is grilled, seared, roasted or slow-cooked.

But some places go too far in describing the cooking process. This isn't just shrimp, it's "large prawns from Palamos macerated in hollyberry brandy, quickly stiffened in the oven."

I'm used to seeing "homemade" on a menu, but restaurant people must have heard too many times: "How can it be homemade? Is this your home?"

Replacing it in some places is "housemade." I have yet to see "frozen and shipped in" or "straight from the bottle."

Other places go minimalist:

Duo of Beef: Hashbrown. Beet. Horseradish.

One restaurant may worry about germophobic customers. Its menu includes:

Barely Touched Vegetables

Maybe you have noticed relatives showing up on menus. Aunt Agnes' corn chowder or Mama Maria's meatloaf or Grandpa Joseph's hot sauce are examples. I can't be sure whether chef's relatives are good cooks.

Some menus use foreign words to sound fancy. One menu lists veal tenderloin prepared "tramezzini." That simply means it's in a triangular shape.

I love when I see that a menu item is prepared "al forno." That just means it's cooked in an oven. Who doesn't love cooked food?

I can't remember a time when I didn't love macaroni. Well, we called it that when I was growing up. Now, menus always list it as "pasta."

Maybe you have noticed that bacon is on nearly every menu lately. I have no problem with that. More recently I have noticed bacon "lardons." They are strips or cubes of pork that flavor meat, stews or salad. That reminds me too well that "lard" is involved. I might go with bacon "chunks."

And I know this is just me, but I hate when words are purposely spelled wrong. I would never order "bread stix." And a place that advertises "home cookin'" wouldn't seem inviting to me.

Most menus use the hyphen in the correct place of "free-range chicken." Otherwise, a diner might see "free range chicken" and think, "It's free? I'll take the range chicken."

Sources: North and South, The Kitchn, Kings, Matthew's, OpenHand.org, GrubStreet.com, Batard, Gary Danko, Pierre Gagnaire, Marriott Lakeview Cafe, Hale and Hearty Soups, Pizzeria Mozza, The New York Times, Inn at Little Washington, Good Food, Hugo's, The Sicilian.

Email:

bkwordmonger@gmail.com

Style on 05/20/2019

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