Some people say the sky is fallin'
Some people say the end is nigh
Some people see that as an opportunity
To scalp Purell and get high.
Some people worried about crashin' markets
They say they don't know what to do.
Some people upset about the lack of ballin'
That bothers me a little bit too.
When cancel culture put the jocks on hiatus
It made us feel like we've all been punked
LeBron was having an MVP season . . .
The Astros were about to get plunked.
That there's no Masters or March Madness
Leaves us wanting a little bit more.
The Razorback men ended their
season with a win --
First time since '94.
But what really hurt was when
they called off
The St. Paddy's Day parade.
Dublin and Audi had their
Paris found herself some green
Some people worry about their co-workers
When they tear up, sniffle and cough.
I know that you think that it's just the pollen
But you better take the whole month off.
I'm not claiming to be wiser or braver
My instinct is to cut and run
Hole up in the house with the ol' lightsaber,
Lucinda Williams and John Donne.
I don't know if I should do my taxes
If Armageddon's done come to town
I cycle through panic, committing
What if they close the dog park down?
Placed my liquor order on the Internet,
They brought the box out to my car,
Waved around a couple dollars but the kid
wouldn't touch 'em
They got a virtual tip jar.
People buying Little Debbies,
toilet paper and beer
Beats anything we've ever seen.
There's plenty of groceries to go around
But they're prepping for the quarantine.
They shut down classes
and the Sunday meetings,
I guess online counts the same
So long as two or more of us
Are gathered in His name.
Televangelist selling you a miracle drug
Can cure just about any disease,
Some people say it's a weaponized bug,
That got away from the
And some people say it's all
It's just another Y2K,
And some of them sit behind
I don't think that that's OK.
I was lyin' in a burned-out basement
Reading Bocaccio and Camus,
Fired the iPad up to watch The Walking Dead
What else are we going to do?
Some people don't mind the social distancin'
Some people goin' crazy in stir
Some people say it's nothing
but the deep state plottin'
I'm afraid I gotta demur.
Took an empty airplane to the subcontinent
Looking for a smart guy to ask
Climbed up the mountain only to find
The Dali Lama in a surgical mask.
Talking epidemiology, epistemology,
and what it's all symptomatic of,
We finally determined the best thing to do
Is drink whiskey and make love.
Philip Martin is a columnist and critic for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Email him at email@example.com and read his blog at blooddirtandangels.com.
Editorial on 03/17/2020
Print Headline: Drink whiskey, make love