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Some people say the sky is fallin'

Some people say the end is nigh

Some people see that as an opportunity

To scalp Purell and get high.

Some people worried about crashin' markets

They say they don't know what to do.

Some people upset about the lack of ballin'

That bothers me a little bit too.

When cancel culture put the jocks on hiatus

It made us feel like we've all been punked

LeBron was having an MVP season . . .

The Astros were about to get plunked.

That there's no Masters or March Madness

Leaves us wanting a little bit more.

The Razorback men ended their

season with a win --

First time since '94.

But what really hurt was when

they called off

The St. Paddy's Day parade.

Dublin and Audi had their

shamrock hats,

Paris found herself some green


Some people worry about their co-workers

When they tear up, sniffle and cough.

I know that you think that it's just the pollen

But you better take the whole month off.

I'm not claiming to be wiser or braver

My instinct is to cut and run

Hole up in the house with the ol' lightsaber,

Lucinda Williams and John Donne.

I don't know if I should do my taxes

If Armageddon's done come to town

I cycle through panic, committing

parapraxes --

What if they close the dog park down?

Placed my liquor order on the Internet,

They brought the box out to my car,

Waved around a couple dollars but the kid

wouldn't touch 'em

They got a virtual tip jar.

People buying Little Debbies,

toilet paper and beer

Beats anything we've ever seen.

There's plenty of groceries to go around

But they're prepping for the quarantine.

They shut down classes

and the Sunday meetings,

I guess online counts the same

So long as two or more of us

Are gathered in His name.

Televangelist selling you a miracle drug

Can cure just about any disease,

Some people say it's a weaponized bug,

That got away from the

Red Chinese.

And some people say it's all


It's just another Y2K,

And some of them sit behind

a microphone

I don't think that that's OK.

I was lyin' in a burned-out basement

Reading Bocaccio and Camus,

Fired the iPad up to watch The Walking Dead

What else are we going to do?

Some people don't mind the social distancin'

Some people goin' crazy in stir

Some people say it's nothing

but the deep state plottin'

I'm afraid I gotta demur.

Took an empty airplane to the subcontinent

Looking for a smart guy to ask

Climbed up the mountain only to find

The Dali Lama in a surgical mask.

Talking epidemiology, epistemology,

and what it's all symptomatic of,

We finally determined the best thing to do

Is drink whiskey and make love.


Philip Martin is a columnist and critic for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Email him at and read his blog at

Editorial on 03/17/2020

Print Headline: Drink whiskey, make love


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