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OPINION | DEAR ABBY: Absent mother uses guilt to manipulate her child

by Abigail Van Buren | December 29, 2022 at 1:00 a.m.

Dear Abby: I have always been the outsider in my family. My grandma raised me because Mom was an alcoholic and ran the streets with her boyfriend. My grandma died three months ago, and I have been having a hard time.

My mother moved into my grandma’s house and wants me to come visit. This is a problem because everywhere I look, it reminds me of my grandma. I have told her this, but she thinks that since she’s painted and decorated differently, it won’t be a problem.

I am the only child who has anything to do with her (she gave up my oldest sister), and she uses guilt when I don’t come to help her clean or go grocery shopping. I was raised to believe that we should take care of elders, but I have issues with her not being in my life growing up. I don’t know how to handle this without just refusing to go. — Conflicted In Missouri

Dear Conflicted: Tell your mother the truth, just as you related it to me. Explain that although she may have painted and redecorated the house, seeing the place without your grandmother in it is depressing and you are no longer willing to do it. And the next time she asks you to help her clean or go shopping for her, say no and tell her why. Unless you have left something out of your letter about your relationship with her over the last decade, I don’t think you should feel obligated to her.

Dear Abby: My father-in-law, 78, was a caregiver for 10 years before his wife died five years ago. After her passing, he eventually renewed his zest for life, joined clubs and found a girlfriend. His health challenges have mounted over the last two years, though, and he now has no energy to follow up on medical appointments or do much at all.

My husband and I call him daily and visit a few times a week. His medical issues can be surmounted, but he can no longer schedule appointments and advocate for himself. If we press him on it, he gets defensive. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about his medical problems, and he doesn’t understand the burden he’s placing on his son to medically advocate for him.

My husband (age 40) lost the last few years of his mom’s life to a horrible disease. Now he’s losing the last few years of his dad’s life to indifference and depression. Should we keep pushing Dad? Should we drag him to appointments and nag him about it? Or let him give up? — Roadblock In Minnesota

Dear Roadblock: It is important that your father-in-law be evaluated for depression and also dementia. His mental ability in the areas of working memory, flexible thinking and self-control appears to have become impaired. His doctor needs to be aware of what’s going on. If you can confirm the reason this is happening, you’ll have the solution to your problem.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit

www.DearAbby.com

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