Dear Abby: I have wanted to write for years, but my ex-husband thought it was “ridiculous.” We were married 29 years and rarely argued, which led me to believe we had a great marriage. 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a mastectomy and was on chemotherapy for a year.
After the mastectomy we went on vacation, and my husband began verbally abusing me. He even slapped me. When the chemo caused me to lose my appetite, he told me if I wasn’t going to eat I shouldn’t come to dinner because he didn’t like me being the center of attention. Believe me, I was not seeking attention. Nine years ago he filed for divorce because my health was a deal-breaker. (“In sickness and in health” was off the table.) The one time I needed his support, I found myself alone.
I looked up statistics and saw that 80% of men walk out when their wife is ill. It made me sick. While I was going through hell, he was on dating sites looking for a healthy partner, ignoring my pain without a care in the world other than preventing his various girlfriends from knowing about each other.
My advice to other women is to put aside a nest egg as insurance to get you through without your “partner.” I was married for 29 years to a complete stranger and selfish jerk, and I’m determined to keep going, if only to spite him. —
Survivor In California
Dear Survivor: Your suggestion to put money aside in case of emergencies is a good one for all women, not just those who might be diagnosed with a serious illness. However, I’m pretty sure the statistic you quoted about the number of men who leave sick wives may be off the mark. Desertion has been known to happen, but nowhere near 80% of men are selfish, abusive cads like the one you married. I don’t blame you for being angry, but for your sake, please don’t let “spite” be your only reason for living.
Dear Abby: I feel fortunate to be the mother of two healthy children. I encounter other moms whose children have severe food allergies or special needs. I’m afraid I say the wrong things to them.
Parenthood is a challenge, and for some, it’s more challenging than for others. I sympathize with their additional challenges. However, when I said it, they were offended. I lost a close friend because of it. What’s an appropriate response when this situation comes up? — Speechless In Arizona
Dear Speechless: Parents of children with special needs are not looking for sympathy. When you are told about a child’s food allergy, thank the mother for alerting you, and assure her that when her child is with you, you will be extra careful to ensure he or she is safe.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother,Pauline Phillips.Contact Dear Abby at P.O.Box 69440,Los Angeles,CA 90069 or visit
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