Life is no wonderland for women in rural Arkansas.
When I moved to the land of my ancestors in L.A.--that's Lower Arkansas, not Los Angeles--I envisioned a garden of pink primroses, long walks in woods and small-town hospitality. Yes, those moments exist.
However, I quickly realized that while I was, indeed, entering a slower lifestyle, I was also leaping back about six decades when it came to women's rights. Sure, the United States now has a female vice president, and Arkansas will very likely have its first female governor if Sarah Huckabee Sanders wins in November. Glass ceilings continue to be shattered every day. Women have come a long way, yet many women living in small communities of our state are suffering.
That's because many men--and even some women--expect girls and women to still act in antiquated ways.
Some still think a women's primary role should be a homemaker, cooking casseroles for the church potluck, maintaining a meticulous home and taking care of children. Women should stand by their man, bat their eyelashes, and not speak out of turn. It is almost unimaginable to fathom that this attitude still exists in 2022, but it does. I've witnessed it repeatedly and even experienced it. I've been inappropriately questioned about my life choices of choosing a career over marriage and children.
To keep the peace, many women must walk a line between acting like a proper Southern belle and being able to switch into Annie Oakley mode, armed with a shotgun, in case a man is not around to defend them. Even then, depending on how defiant a woman becomes, she may be labeled the "b" word, a hussy, a troublemaker, or worse, a hysterical paranoid female with mental problems.
This prevalent and perilous attitude fuels a culture of bullying, stalking, harassment, and psychological, sexual and physical abuse.
Male principals in rural schools single out girls who may dress like a "city girl." If they see girls' bra straps peeking out from T-shirts, the male principals will place them in their proper place for the girls. Some male principals make girls kneel submissively in front of them--with no female teacher present--to measure skirts and shorts. Girls are told to keep quiet or risk suspension or expulsion.
Girls who receive obscene calls or messages are told that's just what boys do. The double standard is alive and well in Lower Arkansas.
When courageous girls and women tell the truth, they are often shamed, called liars, or worse, derogatory terms indicating that they have loose morals. Thankfully, some post their stories on social media to get the help they need.
But many do not.
I've heard several alarming stories about girls, women, and even boys being beaten, tortured, molested and raped by people they should be able to trust--fathers, mothers, husbands, step-parents, wives, boyfriends, children and even caregivers.
Regardless of age or sex, victims are threatened to remain quiet by those closest to them or by authority figures. Don't air dirty laundry. Don't tell law enforcement. Don't mention any anxiety or depression. Don't seek therapy. Don't tell a minister. Keep secrets in tiny community circles and pray.
The clear message: Tell the truth and retaliation will occur.
Victims are told if they tell the truth that they will be portrayed as a weak, desperate victim, not a brave one. Brave women keep abuse to themselves. Victims are often gaslighted with guilt because in some twisted way they egged on the situation.
Abuse victims have told me they feel utterly hopeless, with no voice or advocate.
Many people are uneducated or confused about the legal system. Victims often have little or no financial resources for lawyers, and ultimately nowhere to turn because of a backlogged court system. Safe places are few and far between in the country.
Meanwhile, abusers continue terrorizing their victims. In some cases, abusers who have already been charged with felony sex crimes but are waiting court dates still hold city and county jobs and receive taxpayer salaries.
This secretive culture breeds a detrimental environment that allows closets to stack up with horrifying skeletons for years.
And this is wrong. Arkansas' leaders should make a concerted effort to educate victims in rural areas about their rights and give more resources to sheriffs' offices.
Victims need to know they have rights. They deserve justice. They should have their day in court in front of a judge or the right to address school boards, quorum courts and talk candidly with law enforcement. They should not be judged or made to feel ashamed by their situation or blamed for it.
And they should never be told to keep bad things to themselves praying it will simply go away.
Suzi Parker is an Arkansas-based journalist, author and social media strategist. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post, The Economist, Town & Country and other national and international publications.