Dear Abby: My disabled husband is retired from the military and lives with mental illness caused by a traumatic brain injury. We have four kids. Over the years, he’s developed an extreme sense of financial entitlement. I’m responsible for our finances, but I can’t control his spending.
His compulsions include luxury coffee, fast food and “medical” marijuana, which cost hundreds every month, yet he complains when money is tight. Last week he lashed out, saying, “I hate that everything has to go through you,” as if I’m the reason we don’t have more money.
Money is scarce and our children are going without things. I’m always fighting for his respect, decency and self-control. I’m exhausted. — Angered In Arkansas
Dear Angered: I wish I could wave a wand and make your problem disappear. Since I can’t, you will have to step up again and tell your husband that while you are sad that he regards what you are doing for your family as “controlling,” your children’s needs must come before his own. He should treat “luxury coffee” as a luxury and buy it only X times a week, ditto for fast food and marijuana.
If he needs more pharmaceutical support for stress, he should address it to his doctor. Make it clear that you can’t carry more of the load, and that you aren’t the cause of the financial stress. Circumstances are to blame, and he cannot continue to kick his golden goose or he will kill it.
Dear Abby: My mother, who lives with me, insists on always keeping her window open several inches. I don’t mind in the winter because I know she runs hot. We clash in the summer because I need the windows closed so I can run the air conditioning. She thinks keeping her window open is cooling her bedroom off and doesn’t understand what the problem is if she keeps her door shut.
This issue has caused major arguments because it’s making my AC unit work harder than it needs to. I also have allergies and my doctor tells me to keep the air on all summer. I want to keep the temperature at 70 degrees.
I don’t want to fight with her, but I feel disrespected since this is my house and she blatantly disregards my requests. Am I overreacting? Or does she need to be respectful of my home? — Temperature Rising In Ohio
Dear T.R.I.O.: You aren’t overreacting. Let’s get down to basics. Whose house is it? Yours. When you lived in your mother’s home, she made the rules and you had to abide by them. If keeping her bedroom windows ajar is “making your air conditioner work harder,” then it’s likely adding to your electric bill, which is disrespectful, inconsiderate and bad manners. If she can’t adjust, she should contribute toward the extra cost of air conditioning.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440,Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit
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