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OPINION | DEAR ABBY: Abuse victim can’t get mother to see the truth

by Abigail Van Buren | May 26, 2022 at 1:00 a.m.

Dear Abby: One of my siblings was abused as a child. In turn, he abused me when he was a pre-teen and into his teens. It stopped when he got a girlfriend at the age of 14. This was news to my parents.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I have tried to explain to my mom that I don’t like being around him. She pretends like it didn’t happen and tries to get everyone together for holidays, etc. The idea of seeing him makes me sick, and I’m afraid for his children.

I went to therapy as a young adult to work out my issues with him and what happened. It has affected my ability to hold onto relationships, and I fight depression, which I am good at hiding. She keeps saying, “but you were so close as kids.” I don’t think she understands what “grooming” is. Can you explain it in a way that doesn’t make me feel like it was my fault? — Getting Beyond It

Dear Getting: Your fault? None of what happened was your fault! Predators groom victims by first establishing a close relationship with them, telling them they are “special,” that their bond is special, that the usual rules of behavior do not apply to them, bestowing time, attention and gifts, and pledging them to secrecy. Please show this to your mother. I hope it will help her understand that getting the family together is not in the cards now or ever.

I am concerned by your statement that the abuse has caused you to be depressed, which you are “good at hiding,” and which prevents you from forming relationships. Those issues might be resolved if you consult another licensed psychotherapist. You may not wish to revisit it, but I hope you will consider it.

Dear Abby: I am a woman who is engaged to a wonderful woman who has a busy life. We met online 18 months ago and felt an instant connection. She has two grown kids, a 16-year-old, two grandkids and one on the way. We live five hours apart and see each other every three weeks.

We talk only once or twice a week and maybe text once a day. It is not enough for me. I have expressed how I feel, but I think she’s just too busy. She plans on moving in with me once we are married. I recently purchased a brand-new home. Because she is so involved in her family’s lives, I can’t see her leaving them to live with me. — Nervous In New Jersey

Dear Nervous: You and your fiancee need to have an in-depth conversation about how this will work. It’s important you two clarify how she plans to divide her time between you and her family. Right now, you are getting the short end of the stick. Will the 16-year-old live with you? Because you aren’t getting what you need from this relationship despite the fact that you have explained what your needs are, it may be time to rethink this romance.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440,Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit


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