Dear Abby: I’ve been married five years. My husband and I are both past middle age and have been married before (me twice; three times for him). Early in our marriage, he was ill and required surgeries and much care. I never felt burdened, yet the smallest pain I have is a “pain” for him.
There are things in our marriage now that I don’t understand. We celebrate Father’s Day and his birthday, but never Mother’s Day or my birthday. My husband is charming to everyone, but ignores or gets angry with me.
He has called me horrible things. He makes excuses for not wanting to do things together. He spends upwards of 12 hours a day outside and avoids me. He defends his friends when they disrespect me, saying that he “doesn’t want to lose old friends.” He believes that whatever is said by others is my problem. We have seen a marriage counselor and it has not helped us. — Undervalued In Nebraska
Dear Undervalued: From your description, your husband is selfish, self-centered, lacks the ability to empathize or nurture and would rather allow his “friends” to disrespect the woman he married than confront them. I hope you felt some gratification from taking care of him when he needed it, because it appears that is all you are going to get from this relationship.
How long will you tolerate being treated this way? Many women would prefer to be alone than living the life you are. You deserve better than what you have been getting, and I hope you will go for it.
Dear Abby: My youngest son and his wife invited me to live with them in Colorado. I am 68, retired, struggling to survive financially and maintain my home in Washington state. It made sense to sell it and move in with them.
My son was laid off from his job and has been seeking employment. He received an offer from a company in Pennsylvania. I’m about to receive a large amount of cash from the sale of my home, more money than I’ve ever had at once. My son asked me to lend it for a down payment on a house in Pennsylvania. He says he will pay it back once his Colorado house sells, which could take six months.
My alarm bells are ringing. I believe he has my best interests at heart, but I’m hesitant to give him every penny. Am I being silly? He has never given me reason to doubt him. — Big Changes Happening
Dear Changes: Discuss this with an attorney right now! If you decide to give a portion of the money you receive from the sale of your home in Washington for a down payment on your son’s home in Pennsylvania, you should have plenty left over for yourself. But whatever agreement you make should be in a legal document in writing. It is not “silly” to want to protect yourself. In fact, it is very wise. Listen to your gut.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit
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