For nine years, Kayla Finley of Pickens County, S.C., was a woman on the run.
Well, barely a woman. Finley was merely 18 when she allegedly committed a monster of a crime she finally has been captured for.
In 2005, the then-teenager went to a video store and - what? - robbed it at gunpoint? Kidnapped employees? Made terroristic threats?
No, she borrowed a VHS copy of Monster-in-Law. And - gasp! - apparently failed to return it!
Now before we go any further, we probably need to refresh everyone’s memories.
Video store: Where people would go - before Redbox, streaming and on-demand etc. - to rent movies.
VHS: An abbreviation for Video Home System, this was once a popular format of videocassette tape.
Videocassette tapes: What movies were recorded on prior to DVDs and Blu-ray.
Monster-in-Law: An alleged romantic comedy, starred Jane Fonda in her acting comeback as a ruthless mom trying to wreck her son’s engagement to a character played by Jennifer Lopez. Easy role for Fonda. At the time, the pre-American Idol Lopez was just dating her now ex-husband, Marc Anthony, after her breakup with fiance Ben Affleck, which followed breakup with her second ex-husband, backup dancer Cris Judd, which followed her breakup with boyfriend Sean Combs, which followed her divorce from her first ex-husband, waiter Ojani Noa. What mother wouldn’t want to break that up?
While 56 percent of the MIL audience liked it, according to the Rotten Tomatoes’ website Tomatometer, only 12 percent of top critics did. The site summed up the movie: “While Jane Fonda steals the movie in her return to the screen, a tired script and flimsy performances make this borderline comedy fall flat.”
Speaking of stealing, that is what Dalton Video accused Finley of doing by not returning their very precious and priceless property - an old flop of a film in an outmoded format (that was even old back in 2005) they considered crucial to their business.
Uh, their former business.
Dalton Video has long since been closed. But the warrant issued for Finley’s arrest back when she didn’t return the tape remained open. When Finley (who says she had moved and never received Dalton’s written demands to return the video) went to the police station to report a crime, she was arrested, charged with petty larceny - more specifically the antiquated “failure to return a rented videocassette” - and jailed for the night.
All this over a J. Lo movie? (One that someone on eBay named der-wolf is selling “like new” on eBay for $3.79 and $3 shipping. Hmm. Wonder if Finley is actually derwolf and selling her old copy toward her defense fund?)
At least it wasn’t Gigli.
Finley feels monstrous sorrow for her alleged lawbreaking. Or not.
“It’s obvious that Pickens County has nothing better to do,” Finley told a South Carolina television station. “I fully intend on fighting this. It’s ridiculous I had this happen to me.”
And it could happen to us too.
Hearing Finley’s story should make us think about what forgotten Monsters might be lurking in our own permanent files out there. Old debts? Unreturned library books? Back taxes? “Borrowed” towels from hotels? Unpaid parking fines? Unpaid moving violations? Unpaid rewind fees?
Rewind fees: What video stores would charge - $1 or so - when you would fail to heed the “Be kind, rewind” sticker on those rented VHS videocassette tapes.
Send an arresting email to: jchristman@arkansasonline.com Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style, Pages 49 on 02/23/2014