As you continue to enjoy your modicum of free, sort-of-post-pandemic movement this summer, I bring you the latest edition of "All the News That's Fit to Razz" — again, a recurring feature inherited from ex-fellow columnist Jenn Christman and a side-eye glance at recent news headlines.
(Well, maybe not Page 1 news headlines. Allow me to clarify that this is all the, well, milder news that's fit to razz. The overabundance of dark, sad and controversial news is being deliberately omitted here.)
Seems that:
◼️ Everybody's so hungry to travel this summer, there's nowhere to run (without long lines and a long wait). The big-time national parks in the United States are seeing overcrowding.
So if you're at the Grand Canyon and taking pix of your family, go ahead ... back up. You're more likely to back into another person than you are to fall off the edge.
◼️ Sir Richard Branson, the British billionaire and entrepreneur, announced plans to attempt to go to space today — nine days before the world's richest dude, Jeff Bezos, does so. But he's not racing Bezos, Branson insisted. In fact, he said, he invited Bezos to come watch.
Not a race? This is a rich guy's "hold my beer and watch this" competition if I ever saw one.
◼️ Speaking of space, an octogenarian is going there with Bezos. Wally Funk, 82, one of 13 women who passed NASA's astronaut training program in the 1960s, is joining the "Amazonian" on his Blue Origin flight. She's reportedly perfectly fit to do so.
Whatever. Jeff, I hope you've made sure Wally has her own, full-fledged bathroom ... near her seat.
◼️ Marcy Shaffer, 43, is a prison guard who allegedly hid four amphetamine and dextroamphetamine pills in Rice Krispies Treats before taking them into a South Carolina women's prison a little while back.
Somewhere, cakes and brownies are standing around with their arms crossed going, "Hey! What happened with using us?"
◼️ Also in "everybody is 'hangry' for travel" news: People were so eager to get outta Dodge for the Independence Day holiday that on July 1, air travel exceeded pre-pandemic levels.
And the way people are duking it out on planes, one wonders whether the airlines might make more money setting up onboard boxing rings, and taking bets, than assessing fines for fisticuffs.
◼️ Thomas Pesquet, the first French commander of the International Space Station, recently shared a video on Twitter of the chocolate-with-strawberries crepe he created in space while trying to make like a French chef. "Unfortunately for my teammates, my culinary skills do not match my nationality," he admitted.
Considering the dang thing looked like a baby alien that might burst out of a person's stomach in a science fiction movie, alas, Pesquet should indeed not quit his space job.
◼️ Seems a prototype flying car recently completed its first test flight in Slovakia. AirCar, described as a "dual-mode car-aircraft vehicle," landed 35 minutes after takeoff.
And George, Jane, Judy, Elroy, Rosie and Astro said: "It's about dang time!" Nice to see life imitating "The Jetsons" (the '60s and '80s science fiction cartoon) rather than a latter-day sci-fi horror movie for a change.
◼️ Pinterest, as of July 1, has banned all weight-loss ads, patting itself on the back as the first major social media service to embrace "body acceptance" as people try to grapple with the "Pandemic 15."
Riiiight. Pinterest, I bet you'll still run ads for retailers of clothing whose sizes max out at Misses 12-14.
◼️ Employers added a better-than-expected 850,000 jobs in June ... and dangled higher pay, bonuses and flexible work terms to entice people to take them as the worker shortage continues, especially in the hospitality industry.
Don't be surprised to see full-figured, over-60 and/or male servers rocking those Hooters/Twin Peaks crop tops, tank tees and short-shorts as they serve your food and drinks. Same for those NFL cheerleader teams ...
◼️ In Daytona Beach, Fla., an exit off Interstate 95 in Florida recently had to be closed for three hours after 100 homing pigeons fell off a truck and out of their crate and refused to move. It was nighttime ... when the birds usually roost. "It's the worst case scenario — homing pigeons that can't find their home," according to a news release about the incident.
No, no, no, they found their home ... for three hours. Roost-ers gotta roost.
◼️ It's been compared to a celestial "Pac-Man": Scientists have detected black holes greedily snarfing neutron stars, "marking the observation of collisions between the two most extreme objects in the universe for the very first time."
Hate to think of what celestial versions of Assassin's Creed or Grand Theft Auto might look like.
All the email that's fit to type: hwilliams@adgnewsroom.com