Dear Abby: I once hosted a holiday dinner. I made a ham, a turkey, all the sides and three different pies. The guests — my brothers-in-law, brother and his family and his mother-in-law — all showed up carrying empty Tupperware. By the end, all I had left was dirty dishes.
The same family then invited me and my husband for a holiday dinner. My husband wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t go. When I asked my sister-in-law if I could take a plate home for him, she said, “Nope! If he doesn’t want to come to the house, he can’t have any of the food.”
My sister-in-law cooks the meat she received as a gift from her employer, and the rest of the guests prepare the sides and desserts. I never go empty-handed. At the end of the meal, she transfers any leftovers to their own Tupperware and gives us back the cleaned bowls. If I ask for a little to take home, she protects her leftovers like they were her children.
What’s your take on leftover etiquette rules? Is asking for a little fruit salad off limits? — Hoping For A Sandwich Later
Dear Hoping: If you would like the living, breathing definition of presumptuous guests and ungracious hosts, look no further than your in-laws’. The fault, however, may not lie solely with them. If this has happened more than once and you cannot summon the courage to tell them to put away their Tupperware and help with the dishes, you can’t blame them for assuming you don’t mind being imposed upon.
As to the sister-in-law who refused to allow you to bring any of her food to your sick husband, I wouldn’t blame you if you chose not to grace her table again after telling her the reason why.
Dear Abby: I am an adopted 17-year-old high school senior, and I live with four people who all have a disability. I want to move out when I’m 18. I have several older siblings, but they all have families to care for. My oldest brother is in his 60s, and my youngest in his 40s.
I don’t want to seem selfish for wanting to live independently. I don’t know how to tell them anything because, in the past, they haven’t listened to me. — Nervous Girl In New York
Dear Nervous Girl: I wish you had mentioned when you will turn 18. At that point you will be legally entitled to live anywhere, and your parents and siblings will have to “listen to you.”
Because you are determined to move, you should start preparing now. You will need to find a job so you can afford a security deposit and pay for rent, food, etc. You may also have to find roommates until you can afford a place of your own. A counselor at school can help guide you, particularly if you plan to continue your education.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother,Pauline Phillips.Contact Dear Abby at P.O.Box 69440,Los Angeles,CA 90069 or visit
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