Dear Abby: I have been married to my wife for 32 years. I love her dearly, but recently her smoking has been bothering me. Her father passed away from COPD five years ago because he was a lifetime smoker. I thought that would convince her to stop. She’s tried, but she goes back.
She tries to cover it up by making trips to the store and other places to get out of sight to smoke. It infuriates me that she would lie, but she doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. It makes me wonder what else she’s been lying about.
My biggest concern is that her health problems are increasing — frequent colds, coughing while she sleeps, snoring. We sleep in separate beds at times just so I can get some sleep. When I bring up quitting, she gets defensive. Her mother won’t talk to her about it, and she wants her to quit even more than I do.
I’m becoming less attracted to my wife. We don’t talk much anymore when we are by ourselves. We went to a marriage counselor who agreed on the subject of quitting, but my wife blew it off. I’m near my limit and thinking of ending our marriage. How can I get through to her without a divorce? — End Of My Rope In Michigan
Dear End: Your wife is displaying classic symptoms of an addict. This is something she may have inherited from her father. She has a serious medical and psychological problem because she cannot quit on her own. She will need professional help. Nicotine patches and gum could aid her in cutting back, but a psychological component will need to be addressed.
You didn’t mention the effect (besides revulsion) her secondhand smoke has on you. You should address this with your doctor. After that, offer your wife the option of treatment. However, if she refuses, you will have to decide whether to consult a lawyer.
Dear Abby: What advice would you give to one who thinks about and is still in love with his high school sweetheart? I never married anyone, and our 50th year high school reunion is next year. I talked with her recently over the phone, and she’s also going to the reunion. We’re both looking forward to seeing each other again.
I’ve seen a photo of her, and while it’s very different from how she looked in high school, I still feel the same about her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. — Still Smitten In Idaho
Dear Smitten: My advice is to keep talking to your old flame, see if she’s currently attached and whether she feels the same way about you. If the answer is yes, attending the reunion will let you begin to know her again before taking the next step. Time can be a great advantage because you both are mature adults now and, hopefully, less impulsive than you were during your teens. I wish you luck.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother,Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440,Los Angeles,CA 90069 or visit
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