Dear Abby: My brother and I recently found out my father, who has been married over 30 years, is having sexual relations with men. This man accused my brother of being gay, claims to be religious and sleeps next to my mother every night. I am not sure how to approach this. I’m still in shock. My brother is furious.
We found a secret email address of Dad’s with messages to men he has been meeting. Some of them describe him bringing men over while our mom is at work. He tells us he is going to a store, to visit a friend, etc., but he’s really been sneaking around.
Our mother doesn’t know any of this, and it was an accident that my we found out. (We were ridding his computer of a virus.) Should I say something to my father? How do I forgive him for accusing my brother of being gay when it’s him all along? Should I say something to my mother? How do I get my brother to stop being so angry at him?
I could go on forever with a million questions, but more than anything, I’m heartbroken, confused and angry. Our community frowns upon gays. I have nothing against the LGBTQ community because my generation is different and I have gay friends. I don’t tell my father because he says he thinks it’s “disgusting.” — Holding Dad’s Secret
Dear Holding: If attitudes were less judgmental, many LGBTQ individuals would be more open about it. From your description of your dad and your community, he must be filled with disgust and self-hatred. It’s not your job to assuage your brother’s anger at the father who projected shame of his own sexual orientation onto his straight son.
I think you should have a conversation with your father about what you discovered, and the sooner, the better. If your father has been doing more than “sleeping” next to your mother, she needs to be checked for STDs. Give your dad a deadline by which he has to come clean with her, or you will. Then follow through.
Dear Abby: I was recently married, and I didn’t invite several cousins, some of whom are dramatic. While I care about them, we aren’t close, and I rarely hear from them. I don’t regard a wedding as a family reunion, so I chose to invite friends who are like family and who have shown they wanted to be a part of my life. I’m now getting backlash from those cousins. Was it wrong to invite only the people I knew were genuinely happy for me and my new husband? — New Bride In Texas
Dear Bride: If inviting emotionally distant relatives would have meant you couldn’t invite close friends, you did the right thing. However, if you think the cousins who were excluded were distant before, you will likely find they may not only be distant but also absent in the future. Everything has a price.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit
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