Since its inception in 2007 (whiff of oxygen, please; we feel faint), this column has been steadfast in its reliance on both verifiable fact and seriousness of purpose. We never, ever, make jokes or fool around.
Dudes, this is a newspaper. A newspaper is full of journalism. Capiche?
And with that statement of resolve, we present perhaps the most compelling letter and question to ever cross the newsroom traffic desk. This letter almost broke our flinty reporter’s heart. It’s from Bucky Deer, who lives in Bell Slough near Mayflower.
We are not making this up and now quote liberally from Mr. Deer’s letter.
“You may wonder how I’m sending you this email.”
That’s for sure.
“I found this iPhone along Interstate 40 and figured out how to drop you a line. I’m a big fan of your column, and read it every chance I get when a copy of the Saturday newspaper is blown into the woods by passing traffic.”
Frankly, that admission of admiration is unnecessary. Who’s not a big fan of this column? But we digress.
“My question is this: Was there any consideration at all given to the needs of the Odocoileus virginianus population during the fall rut when the Arkansas Highway and Transportation Department built those five-foot walls separating the eastbound and westbound lanes when I-40 was widened between Conway and the Morgan exit?”
Odocoileus virginianus, for those who don’t know, is the scientific name for white-tailed deer, a delicacy in these parts. The rut is, um, where deer come from. Back to Mr. Deer.
“I’m sad to report that a growing number of my brethren, only interested in passing on their genes, are falling prey to cars and trucks when they can’t figure out how to get over the wall. Their sad, broken bodies are now scattered along the median.
“Can you provide any advice on how we deer might handle this situation?”
No. But we can act as a conduit between readers and authorities. In this case, the authority is a highly placed official with the Highway Department, the ginormous state agency whose task is to keep drivers happy, and good luck with that. His name is Tommy Turtle.
“No sympathy from me,” Mr. Turtle writes. “A five-foot wall is no problem for a stepper like you. I’ve seen you clear hedgerows twice that high.
“Me, I’ve got to leave Tuesday morning for a date Friday night. Once I weave my way across the travel lanes, I’ve got to find a drain hole where I can go UNDER the wall you so easily scale. Then, with hormones racing, I’ve got more travel lanes to cross.”
Mr. Turtle’s case is compelling.
“Let me tell you, slow and steady does always win the race. They even put signs up to warn drivers that you might be in the area. What more do you want — signals, crossing guards?
“So don’t complain to me about a five-foot wall. I can’t get over a six-inch curb.
“P.S. I want my phone back.”
Mahatma@arkansasonline.com