This just in: Expect the reinstatement of Donald Trump as president of the United States sometime in September.
Probably Sept. 30.
Now hold on, there's no need for gnashing teeth and rending garments. Quit that caterwauling and put down that hayfork, Miranda. Now is the time for discipline, not dissension, and anyway, we're just the dadblame messengers.
We know y'all were given Aug. 13 as a firm date, but the situation is obviously quite fluid and our models, while getting better, are still not perfect. For this we humbly apologize. We are assessing the situation, but it appears our calculations were off due to some variables we didn't account for because we didn't know they existed. Like B'rer Rumsfeld said, there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns and it's just your opinion, man.
This is how science works, you rumdums. We're just following the science.
So, it appears that one of the problems was that the PowerPoint presentation Decon Mike might have been pitched at too high a grade level for those SCOTUS bozos. For this we have to bear some of the blame but--and I'm not pointing any Cthulhu-esque tendrils here--maybe we have to do a better job in transposing the higher instructions we receive from the Elohim into plain explain-it-to-me-like-I'm-a slow-human-fourth grader English. It's not our fault--to quote the prophet Roger Clyne--"that the world is full of stupid people" but it's obvious Mikey Mike's messaging flew right over the heads of Kagan, Kavanaugh and Gorsuch.
Only Clarence Thomas grokked it a little bit. And that's on us.
We have to understand that not everyone is our intellectual equal--if they were they'd be marching with us, right?--and we should move forward in humility and with compassion for all sheeple everywhere, always alert to the idea that with great intellectual powers and critical faculties come great responsibilities, like always being the good guy with a gun and slipping our illegally mandated masks down under our proboscises while we browse the bunker jerky aisle in Walmart to show them we will not submit to tyranny.
We're just going to have to be patient. Mistakes were made. Some of you thought Jan. 6 was the day for the Restoration, but that obviously couldn't have been the date because Our Guy hadn't been unseated yet. You cannot skip steps, people. He had to be unlawfully deposed, stabbed in the back by Judas Pence; only then could he be resurrected. As we have told you before, the prophecy is a process.
And yes, we did forecast that there was a 75 percent chance that the cucklords and RINOs in Congress would not certify the results of the fraudulent election (which was so obviously hacked by the Red Chinese, the Black Russians and those darn human-abducting Grey Aliens), but 75 percent is not 100 percent. If you hit .250 in the big leagues you get to drive your supermodel girlfriend around in your GMC Canyon Denali.
Then somehow, some of you got the idea that Jan. 20 would be the day.
We could see why there was some optimism about that date, because there was such a high concentration of traitors and Demon Rats in D.C. that day (driving up the room rates at Trump International Hotel Washington, by the way) all ready to be scooped up and arrested for baby eating and sundry other crimes too heinous to mention.
But just because it looks convenient to us doesn't mean it's in accordance with the prophecy of his "farewell" speech before the 17 flags. (Get out your secret decoder ring. If A = 1, B = 2, and C = 3? Figure it out.)
In that speech Our Guy said, "Have a nice life."
But he also said "See you later."
What could he have meant by that?
There was a theory that it was going to happen March 5, seeing how that is the real inauguration date and every president since U.S. Grant has been an illegal usurper, including Our Guy (which is actually good because he technically hasn't been POTUS yet, which merans even if we don't go with the "Benevolent Dictator For Life" language that's in the latest Constitution 2.0 draft, he's still eligible for at least two more terms), but obviously that didn't happen either now, did it?
You can't just wish things into existence. Let's think about this critically.
If you consider how he officially dissolved the United States of America in his speech at Mount Rushmore on July 4, 2020, returning to all the states their soveignity, there is in fact no U.S. for Crazy Joe Biden to preside over. At best, Biden's just the president of D.C. and the slaver holding title to all the souls who gave up their humanity by accepting the Fauci Ouchie. So to restore Our Guy, we don't even have to oust an illegitimate president first, because if there is no U.S., it stands to reason there is no POTUS.
All we have to do is convene a new continental congress, draft the new Constitution 2.0 and declare Our Guy benevolent dictator for life. We can do this on our timetable, without consulting the Raelians or even making use of the Stargate on Velatropa 24.4 that the Arcturians have so graciously offered us.
We note the reluctance of some on the committee to accept aid and comfort from fifth-dimensional space hippies. We will remind the members of the Arcturian claim that they are here to assist the Earth as it enters a New Age of spirituality and that they are "strictly forbidden from interfering with the free will or decision-making process of any denizen of blue planet, V.24.3, otherwise known as Earth." It's right there in their terms of service.
Whatever, some of you can be so cynical. If you can't trust skyfolk universally revered for their advanced knowledge, wisdom, and extremely high vibrational frequencies, who you gonna call? Kanye? Kid Rock?
We just want to reiterate that we are merely--when we doff our tinfoil-lined homburg-- antennae quivering in the existential breeze. We don't make the news, we just report it.
Mark your calendar. On 9/30/2021, Our Guy returns.
This time we're pretty sure.
Philip Martin is a columnist and critic for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Email him at pmartin@adgnewsroom.com and read his blog at blooddirtandangels.com.