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OPINION | DEAR ABBY: Marriage teeters months after vows are exchanged

by Abigail Van Buren | January 6, 2023 at 1:00 a.m.

Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married 11 months. We’ve been together five years and have lived together for the last three. This is my second marriage and his third. I have put up with a lot from him and overlooked too much. He isn’t affectionate, doesn’t kiss me unless I ask, and doesn’t hug me.

He doesn’t seem to like sex, although if I say it, he gets mad and says he does. We might have sex twice a month. I would like more, but I have tolerated his almost nonexistent sex drive. He never initiates. He is moody, pouts and complains about his job, his life, his 16-year-old daughter (who doesn’t like to be with him), etc. Yet he doesn’t make positive changes.

Since the wedding, he has stopped sleeping with me. He claims I snore and it wakes him up. I don’t like the TV on when I’m falling asleep, and he demands to have it on. He won’t go with me to visit my family but demands that I go with him on weekends and sometimes during the week to have dinner at his parents’.

I moved an hour and a half away from my kids and grandkids to be with him. When I mention that I would like to have the kids spend the night, he comes up with excuses, but when his daughter wants to spend the night, it’s fine.

As I write this, I’m wondering why am I with him? I feel like crying. I do love him, and when I think about not being with him, it feels like my heart is falling out of my chest. What should I do? — Heartbroken & Stuck In The East

Dear Heartbroken: I know what I would do in your situation, but I’m not you. You stated that you gained insight from writing this letter. You appear to be an intelligent person. I suggest you reread your letter several more times. After you do, I am confident you will know what to do. It is possible to love someone and not be compatible.

Dear Abby: I am in my 40s and have been divorced for seven years after a bad marriage. I have two daughters who would love for me to meet someone. I fell in love with someone after my divorce, but he married someone else. I have no way of knowing if he is still married. We are not allowed to have contact because of his wife’s jealousy.

My heart is broken. I don’t know how to move on from someone I felt was my soul mate. How do you tell your heart to move on? No one compares to him, so I feel like my only option is to settle for less or stay single. — Downhearted In Ohio

Dear Downhearted: Either of those options might work. But a better one would be to realize that while this man may have been your soul mate, you were not his. Then make a decision to move forward with your life. You are in your 40s, and it isn’t too late to meet someone with whom you can have a happy life.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit

www.DearAbby.com

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