LITTLE ROCK — Somehow I got kicked off the mailing list for the famed Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog, which explains why it has not been the subject of a Let's Talk column for the past couple of years.
This year I, along with fellow columnist Jennifer Christman, remain kicked off. But - thanks to a coworker who not only hasn't been kicked off the mailing list but wonders how the heck he got on it - I have scored a copy of Neiman Marcus's The Christmas Book, 100th Anniversary Edition.
The catalog, which I accused of getting awfully tame in 2004, has gotten more tame in recent years. As was the case then, it consists mostly of mundane stuff like clothing, jewelry and housewares, most of which fall into two categories: (1)very expensive and (2) outrageously expensive. Apparently the thinking is that if the customer is going to shell out the equivalent of several average yearly salaries on something, it might as well be something out of which the customer could conceivably get some mileage.After all, the cost-per-wear ratio is probably going to be a lot better on a $1,795 black silk flapper hat, bearing a flower as big as one's head and studded with Swarovski crystals, than that $20,000 custom suit of armor offered in the 2004 Christmas book.
But Neiman Marcus still titillates book-lookers with a smattering of novelty items and services, now relegated to a few pages midcatalog.
My vote for the most exciting gift in the '07 Christmas Book ... a submarine. And, per the old Beatles song, it's even yellow. Offered by U.S. Submarines, the $1.4 million NM-edition Gem Triton 1000 submersible dives to 1,000 feet, offering360-degree views from a twoperson, acrylic-bubble cab in its center. Air conditioning, leather seats and a gemstone-studded steering joystick enhance said cab; a two-day training program completes the deal. An alternate suggestion for the less financially well-endowed: Order The Jacques Cousteau Odyssey - The Complete Series ($44.99, Amazon.com) so your gift recipient can explore the oceans vicariously.
Other money-is-no-object novelty goodies:
His & Hers Chocolate Portrait by Brazilian artist Vik Muniz, $110,000. So much for chocolate body paint. Muniz will use Bosco chocolate syrup to capture the lucky couple in a 60-by-48 "museum-quality photographic work of art, a limited edition of one." Can'tone just get somebody's kid to do this for free? Well, at least the moola will go to a good cause: Muniz will donate the proceeds to Central Espacial Rio de Janeiro, a charity he founded to bring social and art projects to poor young people in Brazil.
A really, really creepy-looking Swami Conversation Robot, actually a bust enclosed in a crystal ball that rests atop a small table. This $75,000 "cutting-edge artificial intelligence robot" - whose eyebrows alone are longer and thicker than my dreadlocks - recognizes individual people and can not only carry on conversations but develop relationships, and even answer questions "with fact-based advice." He has realistic changing facial expressions, microcamera eyes and runs off a computer laptop, which is thrown in for the deal. "Teach him to wink every time the wife walks by," The Christmas Book urges. What will he say if "the wife" asks him if her dress makes her look fat? That is the question.
A $73,000 Vertu Signature Diamond Phone. Designed and signed by Frank Nuovo, it boasts white and pink diamonds, total weight 7.2 carats, and a setting of 18-karat rose gold. Would Naomi Campbell throw this at somebody? Probably not. This baby probably also won't be tossed atthe next annual Mobile Phone Throwing World Championship in Savonlinna, Finland, or the similar competition in the United Kingdom. Now will it drop calls? Probably.
A Rocket Racing League team franchise, complete with lightweight Mark-1 X-Racer, logo, team colors, a trailer, training and a year of fuel, parts, equipment and servicing. Price - $2 million. Hearing people say, "You don't have anything better to do with your money than that?" about a gazillion times - priceless.
A "treetent." This is like a treehouse, except it's a big, green, teardrop-shaped $50,000 tent. Dutch designer Dre Wapenaar, supposedly known for his architectural tents, created this 13-foot-tall, two-person shelter complete with 9-footdiameter hardwood floor and a round mattress; it can be entered and exited via "adjustable planetary landing steps." Interested Arkies, I tell you what: For only half price - 25 grand - you can have a treetent designed by the Talkmistress herself! Sure, it'll be a convertedtent I got on sale from Wally World and autographed, but at least you will have spent your dollars at home!
Other Christmas Book fantasy gifts: A two-seater ultralight (flying machine) and monarch butterfly journey, $80,000; a Classical Superstars Fantasy Concert featuring the Kirov Orchestra and hosted by Regis Philbin, $1.6 million (they throw in the tour piano, autographed by all the artists); a 2008 Lexus Special Build sedan (Lexus wouldn't divulge the price even to Neiman Marcus); a 305-carat uncut-diamond necklace, starting at $1 million; and what we all need: a 100-foot dragonshaped yard topiary, starting at $35,000.
True, the money required to buy these things would be better spent on a few charitable causes. But I suppose a swami robot would be of better value than some of the junk commanding inexplicably hefty bids on eBay.
Do your Christmas e-mailing early for best selection:
Style, Pages 63 on 10/07/2007