LITTLE ROCK — QI’ve been divorced for five years and with my current girlfriend for four. I think it’s best for our children if my girlfriend comes to parent-teacher conferences since she is very involved with the kids and helps me care for them during the 50 percent of the time that we have them. How would you advise going about this?
AIdeally, it is best that your
new girlfriend go to parentteacher conferences if she is involved with the children, but if it’s too confrontational for your children’s mother, then your girlfriend’s presence will do more harm than good. Plan two conferences until you can better work together.
The red flag isn’t that your ex doesn’t like your girlfriend at the conferences - that’s just a symptom of the problem. It’s that your kids have gone back and forth between homes that are at such odds for more than four and a half years! Granted, it sounds like Mother is the one having trouble moving on, but when all is said and done, it doesn’t really matter who is having the most trouble adjusting - it’s still an issue for the kids caught in the middle.
This is when some say thatthe animosity between parents is understandable because of various reasons - possibly the parents’ relationship broke up because of an affair or domestic violence or drug and alcohol problems.
If you can’t solve this problem yourself, get help. There are therapists who specialize in co-parenting counseling. It’s different from marriage counseling in that the goal is better communication and learning how to problem-solve even though you are no longer together.
Finally, if you’re not talking to your children’s mother you’re bound to hear incorrect things from the kids, who are possibly trying to prevent their parents from arguing or protecting a parent who has been hurt or playing their parents against each other to get more attention, fewer punishments, etc.The more you can problemsolve in front of the kids, the better adjusted they will be.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the co-founders of Bonus Families - bonusfamilies.com - and the authors of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation. Contact them at
Family, Pages 33 on 06/30/2010