LITTLE ROCK — At long last, the Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog arrived at the office. I opened it, always curious to know the nature of the fantasy gifts offered by the upscale retailer.
Oh yum. On the last two pages of the catalog is this suh-weeet, gunmetal gray sports car called a -
“Wait, what the heck is a Ferrariff?” I muttered.
Oops, didn’t see the small space there. The car is a Ferrari FF ... “the revolutionary taming of 651 horses with [four-wheel drive].” And the ability to go from 0 to 60 miles per hour in less than 3.7 seconds ... and get up to more than 200 miles per hour.
Mmm. That’s enough to make a gal actually enjoy driving again. All I have to fork over is a mere $395,000.
The car is the one bright spot among the fantasy gifts. On the whole, they are sadly overshadowed by the clothing, accessories and small-gift items in the catalog - not only in numbers, but in noteworthiness. There’s no fun, silly, outrageously expensive mermaid costumes or wearable suits of armor, I’m afraid. Instead, you, the fantasy-indulger, may choose from:
Bellagio fountains. For $1 million “one lucky buyer” can have - or give - twin dancing fountains by WET, the company that has developed some of the world’s most notable fountains. These twin dancing fountains come equipped with nozzles that are individually programmable and that dance, together or not. (As rapper Snoop Dogg might say: For shozzle, my nozzles.) It’s cheaper to just go to Las Vegas and watch the fountains at the Bellagio. Or even better, getkicked off the grounds of the Clinton Presidential Center for playing in its fountains and spend gazillions less for the Neiman Marcus catalog’s cute $645 Elizabeth and James wool-blend blazer trimmed in long, multicolored feathers.
An Assouline custom-built library. For $125,000, the famous publishing house (psst, the fantasy-gifts section mentions a lot of people and companies tagged as “noted” or “renowned” that you will have never heard of) will build a “bespoke” library complete with “custom carpeting, objets d’art and beautifully framed prints.” Shelves will contain 250 old and new Assouline books. If your budget is more “bebroke” than “bespoke,” however, make do with your custom-made library filled with cheesy novels and junk papers jammed into flimsy old bookcases by Sauder. Go instead with lacy lingerie by Chantelle Paris, Cosabella or La Perla ($49-$183 in the catalog).
An international flower show tour, arranged by Jetway Private Air, for $420,000. You and nine friends get to jet off to “Europe’s most celebrated flower shows”; The Tulip Festival in Merges, Switzerland; the Kifissia Flower Show in Athens, Greece; the Altera Rosa Festival in Avignon, France; the Chelsea Flower Show in London. Yeah, well. Why don’t you and your pals pile into your car and take a gander at the weeds growing in the woods along Cantrell Road as you careen down Little Rock’s famed thoroughfare. And just buy the catalog’s rockin’ dark-red velvet bootcut jeans by Christopher Blue for a mere $195.
A $75,000 tent. Well, a “Dream Folly” yurt, inspired by the old sitcom I Dream of Jeannie, 18 feet in diameter and featuring an opulent interior that includes linen wall coverings, luxury pillows and a chandelier. Nah. Better to stick with the garage sale finds in your girl-cave and hook yourself up with the fierce leopard-print, calf-hair platform pumps by Pour La Victoire, $295 in the catalog.
A $250,000 Neiman Marcus Edition Hacker-Craft Speedboat. Imagine slicing through the Arkansas River in this USA-made boat, handmade of solid mahogany and boasting a 425-horsepower engine, refrigerator, global positioning system, kick-rear sound system and other stuff that would make sense to boating enthusiasts. Or would you rather make do with party barge rentals and the $2,795 men’s black shearling peacoatby Burberry London?
The cheapie of the bunch: a $5,000 private booze tasting featuring Johnnie Walker scotch for you and 20 guests at your home. Noooo. Just buy the set of Assouline Cocktails& Tapas bartender’s guides (his and hers volumes) for $50 and make your own concoctions ....
Wait. Come to think of it, what better thing to do in a lousy economy than present near snore-worthy fantasy gifts so that the “plain jane” items look more interesting and affordable? Clever.
It won’t work on me, though. I’ll just do the one thing I know I can afford: Fantasize about driving that “Ferrariff.” Reality e-mail:
Style, Pages 57 on 10/30/2011